Innocence lost
by Random1377
Summary: Shinji and Ritsuko make plans to defend NERV from the attack they know must be coming... will they be successful? And what of Asuka and Rei's roles? All will be revealed in this final chapter.  Rated R for language, violence, and sexual content.
1. Innocence Lost

Disclaimer: Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The setting for this story is Episode 23, right at the time Ritsuko WOULD have shown Shinji the Rei clone tanks. This story involves several mature themes, including one female/male rape sequence, and should not be read by anyone under the age of 21 (or whatever the legal age in your State/Country is to purchase pornographic material), or anyone who is offended by such material. I should note at this point that I do not condone rape in any form, and that the one depicted in this story is purely fictional and not based on any actual events.  
  
Innocence lost  
By Random1377  
  
Doctor Ritsuko Akagi sat nearly motionless at her desk, a pencil twirling idly through her fingers as she waited. -He chose her...- in contrast to her calm exterior, she was on fire with rage inside, -that blue-haired little freak... he sent me in her place... as if I would protect her... or him...- she growled in frustration, remembering that she had done just that.  
  
She briefly considered her initial plan for revenge and rejected it again, -No... once the last angel is gone, THEN she'll get what's coming to her. No... this is much better...-  
  
Her eyes fell to her desk drawer... and what was contained inside. -Soon...- she thought, containing her impatience, -but first...-  
  
Her dark thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on her door, signaling the arrival of the key to her second plan. A vicious smile crept across her lips, "Come in... Shinji..."  
  
Shinji Ikari made his way diffidently into her office, "Umm, you wanted to see me?" he said quietly. She looked at the young pilot closely, taking note of the small lines that were beginning to form around his eyes... a sign of the high-pressure life the boy had.  
  
She stood and walked past him, locking the door. "Yes, Shinji... there is something I want to talk to you about."  
  
"What is i-ulmph" he was cut off as she firmly took him by the shoulders and pressed him against the wall, kissing him hard.  
  
He tried to push her away, frightened by her advance, but she held him still, sliding her tongue across his lips.  
  
She finally broke the kiss, "Now wasn't that nice? No one holding your nose closed?"  
  
"You... you know about that??" Shinji stammered incredulously, still catching his breath.  
  
Ritsuko looked surprised, "Why, Shinji... EVERYONE knows! Asuka talked about it for weeks... laughing at how gullible you were to actually believe that she wanted to kiss you." She smiled at the boy's crestfallen look, conveniently neglecting to tell him about the security camera that had been placed in Misato's apartment after the seventh angel.  
  
"It's ok, Shinji... I understand." She took his face gently in her hands, "I know how lonely you must be... aren't you lonely, Shinji?" she whispered.  
  
He nodded slowly, his gentle blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears.  
  
She smiled, leaning closer, "Let me be the one that comforts you..." as their lips met once more, he offered no resistance. -So trusting...- she thought, -like... like I used to be...- her eyes sprang open as the full weight of what she was doing fell on her... but she was committed now, the damage done.  
  
After a moment, Shinji kissed her back. She was surprised to feel his mouth open to let her tongue in, and his hand gently come up and brush her cheek. -I... no one has... has ever touched me... like this...- she thought, marveling at the boy's soft, hesitant contact.  
  
She pulled back a little, a tear falling from her eye, -What... what's happening to me??- She thought, confused. His innocent smile dazzled her, and suddenly all thoughts of revenge against Gendou melted away. "Shinji... I... I'm lonely too," she whispered, her voice cracking.  
  
"I... I'm sorry, Doctor Aka- I mean, Ritsuko..." he blushed, using her first name, "I... I never knew..." he touched her face again, timidly, "I can... I can talk to you... if you want. I can... comfort you... or at least try..."  
  
She backed away, suddenly unsure, "I... I don't know if you can, Shinji, I..."  
  
He stepped away from the wall and put his arms around her clumsily, "I can try... I hate to see anyone in pain..."  
  
Her mind was on fire, -What... what am I doing? What have I become?- She suddenly became aware of his soft blue eyes gazing into hers... then he leaned forward and kissed her lips delicately.  
  
Ritsuko began to cry softly, -I'm so dirty...- she thought, disgusted with herself, -I'm just like HIM, I... I only think of myself...- she broke away frantically, "Shinji... I... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have... shouldn't have..."  
  
He frowned slightly, "Shouldn't have what? Tried to make me feel better?" he smiled at her, "I'm glad that you did..."  
  
She broke free of his embrace, running blindly through the door, -Stupid... stupid selfish woman...- she berated herself.  
  
Finally she came to a halt in the middle of a corridor, breathing hard. She sank to the floor, weeping. After a moment, she became aware of someone else's rapid breathing. She looked up to find Shinji kneeing in front of her, panting quietly.  
  
"Did I... did I do... something wrong?" he asked, his voice sad.  
  
She began to cry harder, gasping, "N-No... Shinji... you didn't... I did..." He leaned forward, placing an uncertain hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, her vision blurred by the tears, and whispered, "Why... why are you being nice to me? I'm just a dirty old woman..."  
  
He smiled and sat down beside her, "You're not THAT old... and you were nice to me." He frowned, getting to his feet, "I... I'll understand if you were just trying to make me feel better... you don't have to kiss me, you know... telling me that you understand was enough."  
  
He offered her a hand up, "I... I don't need any more than what you've already given me..." he looked down, "I am lonely... but that's my problem... you don't need to-"  
  
Suddenly, she realized that she really DID want to be the one to comfort him, -he's so vulnerable...- she thought. She took the offered hand and pulled - hard. Since he was leaning forward already, Shinji's balance was off and he fell on top of the blonde woman, his hands on either side of her body. She reached up with her free hand and pulled his head down, bringing his lips to hers once more.  
  
She kissed him passionately for a minute without letting him go. When she finally released him, he gasped, "Wow..."  
  
Wordlessly, she stood and drew him to his feet, leading him to a secluded room and locking the door. "Where are we?" he asked curiously, looking around at the beds and surgical equipment scattered around the room.  
  
"This is the old infirmary," she said absently, "no one ever comes here." she walked over to him and kissed him again, taking time to get to know every corner of his mouth.  
  
When she had finished, he gasped, "Ritsuko... you don't have to... to..."  
  
"Shinji," she said taking his hand, "I... I only know of one way to comfort..." she took his hand and rested it on her right breast.  
  
Shinji's eyes nearly came loose from their sockets, "Ritsuko... I... I... don't think that we shou-" she cut him off, kissing him hungrily.  
  
Not allowing any more protests, she pushed him back until his knees hit one of the beds, dropping them neatly into it, her on top. Still kissing him, she deftly reached down and unbuckled his pants, pushing them down and touching him. He moaned into her mouth at the contact, his hands sliding all over the bed as if he didn't know what to do with them.  
  
Pinning him to the bed with her lips, she reached down with her other hand and slid her panties to the side... then slowly eased herself down onto him. The moment he felt her warmth encase him, his struggles ceased... his eyes going wide. As their hips met, she broke the kiss, giving a soft sigh, "There..." she whispered.  
  
Shinji looked down, but his view was obscured by her skirt, "Are we... am I... is this..." he could not form a proper sentence.  
  
She looked down at him, once more ashamed, "Shinji... I... this is the only thing I know... please let me share it with you..."  
  
He met her eyes, shock evident on his face, "Ritsuko..." he whispered, dazed, "Are you... are we... making love...?"  
  
She nodded her head, fresh tears welling up in her eyes, "I... I'm sorry... I'm so alone, I just... I wanted to feel you inside of me..."  
  
Shinji did not know what to say. His mind flashed single words almost faster than he could track: Lust. Warmth. Fear. Shame. Violation. Sadness. Love. "Do you... do you love me?" he asked in a small, confused voice.  
  
Her heart skipped a beat, "I... I don't know, Shinji... I know that you are alone... and I know that you hate it." She bowed her head, "I... I just want to fill that void the only way I know how."  
  
His voice was almost inaudible, "I...I didn't want this..."  
  
She froze as the truth of his statement hit home. Horrified she looked into his soulful blue eyes, pierced by what she saw in them: betrayal. "Shinji... I... I'm sorry I-"  
  
His voice was distant, "Will you... will you get off of me, Doctor Akagi?"  
  
She slid off of him, weeping uncontrollably, -What have I done!? WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!-  
  
"I... I thought you wanted... to... to help me..." he said, his eyes focusing on something far away, "but you're just using me... like... like father...."  
  
Her heart clenched, -Have I... have I really become so cold?-  
  
Shinji curled into a ball, hugging his knees. His friends had all left him due to the destruction caused by Unit 00's detonation... Rei came back from the detonation of the blue mecha virtually unharmed... Misato, his guardian, was never around... and his other fellow pilot, Asuka, had just declared that she hated him. Now this pretty, older woman comes to him, promising comfort and support... then proceeds to force herself on him, betraying his trust. It was more than his mind could handle. His pupils dilated and his breathing became heavy... a small line of spittle running from the corner of his mouth as his mind pulled back from reality.  
  
Ritsuko put her hand to her mouth, "Shinji?" she whispered, shaking the boy gently. He made no reply.  
  
"SHINJI!!!!! Oh god... OH GOD!!!!!!"  
  
  
Continued...   
  
  
Author's notes: Initially, I tried to write a WAFFy piece about Ritsuko and Shinji - and it may somehow become that later, I'm not sure (that's a lot to forgive) - but no matter how I wrote it, the initial encounter came off as corny - this fit, though it made the piece quite dark. Once again let me reiterate that I do not know, nor have I ever, nor WILL I ever condone rape of any kind. The consequences of the one in this story (shown in the next chapter if feedback is strong and I don't decide to pull it) will be immediate... and harsh.  
  
SECOND VERSION NOTES: Ok, due to some believability issues in the later chapters (frankly, people didn't) I've added some more thoughts to Ritsuko before the original beginning. I've also added some extra thoughts to Shinji as he detaches from reality to help people less familiar with the later episodes understand WHY this would affect him so deeply. Oh yeah, and I toned down the actual rape itself, since it's graphicness was what gave this story its NC-17 rating. This is now an R story.  
  
Thanks to Ryoma and JobFaust for pre-reading and helping me salvage this one.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com.  
  



	2. Asking Forgiveness

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.  
  
Part 2  
Asking forgiveness  
By Random1377  
  
Misato Katsuragi disliked being awakened. Not that this is an uncommon dislike, mind you, but it seemed that just lately she had been awakened on a daily (or rather nightly) basis.  
  
Fumbling for the phone she thought, -One night... that's all I ask... just one!- "Hello, Katsuragi..." she mumbled into the receiver. All thoughts of sleep disappeared, "He's what??" she screamed, "yes... yes I'll be right there."  
  
She dressed quickly, then went and knocked on the door or the other occupant of the apartment, "Asuka... Asuka wake up!!" She knew the girl was probably not sleeping... since the fifteenth angel she rarely did.  
  
Asuka Langley Souryu opened her door, "What is it Misato?" she said, her voice and eyes empty.  
  
"Shinji's hurt," she said, desperately trying to keep the tremor out of her voice, "I want you to come to the hospital with me."  
  
Asuka showed no reaction, "No... I don't really fell like it, I-"  
  
Misato slapped her across the face, though the girl had almost no reaction to that either, "Get a hold of yourself!" she screamed, "Didn't you hear what I said? Shinji is hurt... SHINJI!!" she grabbed the girl by her shoulders, "I know you've been through a lot - we ALL have... now Shinji needs us - both of us." She took the girl's chin in her hands and forced her to meet her eyes.  
  
-God forgive me,- she thought as she spoke quietly, "Or are you scared, Second Child?" Asuka's eyes widened slightly, -finally, a reaction!- Misato thought. She dug in deeper, "All this time... I thought that Asuka Langley Souryu was made of the sternest stuff around..." she shook her head sadly, "turns out she's just a weak coward."  
  
She let the redhead go abruptly and put on her flight jacket, "Fine," she said, waving a hand over her shoulder, "stay here and stick your head in the sand, see if I care anymore." Then she dug in the last shot, "Guess the angel DID beat you after all..."  
  
"You BITCH!!" the young girl's stupor broke and she charged Misato, crashing into her and carrying her to the ground, "I'll kill you!!! I'll FUCKING KILL YOU!!" she screamed into her face, wrapping her hands around her guardian's throat.  
  
Misato met her eyes and smiled, "Yes," she whispered, calmly letting the girl choke her, "hate me... don't hate yourself." She got the response she hoped for.  
  
Asuka's face crumbled and she began to sob, her hands losing strength as she collapsed on the floor beside the raven-haired woman.  
  
Misato rose to her knees beside the girl and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Asuka..." she said quietly, "Shinji needs us... will you be strong for him... and for yourself? I know you're strong, Asuka... I've seen it in you... you HAVE to be strong... you're the only EVA pilot we have now..."  
  
For a moment Asuka said nothing. Then she nodded, her tears slowing. When she was able to speak, she looked at Misato, her eyes burning, "I'll go with you... but you're still a bitch, and I don't want to live here anymore."  
  
Misato slapped her again, "I don't care, Asuka... but no matter where you do it, you better fucking LIVE! Because I'm sick of this 'my life sucks' shit!" she rose to her feet and offered the girl a hand. Asuka considered it briefly, then batted it away and got to her feet alone.  
  
"I don't need your help," she said angrily, "now what the hell has that idiot gotten himself into THIS time?" By the time Misato finished explaining the situation, Asuka's anger was gone (or at least, it had faded to a manageable level). "Let's go," she said impatiently, "I'll talk some sense into him. He'll wake up for me... the big moron..." she slid on her shoes and walked towards the door.  
  
Misato followed after a moment, smiling faintly.  
  
**  
  
As Shinji's roommates began their drive, Ritsuko Akagi stood before Gendou Ikari in three sets of handcuffs. The look on her face was that of a lost child as she pondered recent events, -How did this happen?- she thought as the supreme commander of NERV (and arguably the most powerful man on Earth) stared at her coldly.  
  
"I suppose that you have an explanation as to why you molested the pilot of Unit 01?" Gendou asked finally, "Perhaps it was an experiment to see if you really could shatter his mind?" he offered helpfully.  
  
Ritsuko flushed, -Bastard...- she thought, -even now he won't call him his son.- She met his gaze and spoke as calmly as she could, mentally preparing to pay the price for her actions, "I have no excuse for what I have done... I can only apologize, to you and to him." She groaned internally, -I can't think of anything better than that?-  
  
Gendou leaned forward, his gloved hands lacing together, "Now I have a very delicate situation on my hands, doctor." He spoke carefully, as if addressing a five-year-old, "On the one hand, I am short one pilot and one Evangelion, so if the final angel attacks we could be in grave peril... so there must be punishment." She bowed her head, "On the other hand, I still have the Second Child and Unit 02, as well as Rei, should anything untoward happen."   
  
She looked up, shocked at the man's calm, -He... he doesn't care...- she thought, absolutely stunned, -what kind of monster have I been sleeping with??"  
  
"Furthermore, no one knows the MAGI system as well as you do, or the dummy-plug system... so it will not do to have you incarcerated." He leaned back, concluding, "Therefore, you are to confine yourself to NERV headquarters and continue your work on those two projects. You are dismissed."  
  
She gaped at the man as he pushed a button on his phone. An instant later, a guard appeared and led her from the room, un-cuffing her as the door slammed shut behind them. The guard placed a small bracelet around her wrist, "Doctor Akagi," he said flatly, "this device will pinpoint your location. Should you attempt to leave the grounds... you will be tracked and shot. Understood?" She nodded in mute shock and the guard left her.  
  
She looked at the floor for a moment, scarcely able to believe what was happening, then whispered, "Shinji..." and took off running for the infirmary.  
  
**  
  
"Shinji?" Misato whispered softly, "Shinji, can you hear me?"  
  
Though his eyes were currently open, the boy made no sound. His chest rose and fell smoothly, the only indication other than the infrequent blink of his eyes that indicated that there was any life left in the young pilot at all.  
  
Misato stood and turned away, not wanting him to see her tears, -If he can see anything at all...- she thought sadly.   
  
Asuka sat down by the bed and laid her hand on Shinji's, "Hey idiot..." she whispered quietly, "why don't you just wake up now and save me the trouble of kicking your ass, ok?" A languid blink was her only reply. She went on, "If you're not here, who will I compete against? Wondergirl is no challenge... not that you are much of one either, bu-"  
  
Her attention was drawn to the opening door, and her eyes widened, then narrowed in anger as Ritsuko stepped into the room. The blonde woman had her hands on her knees and was panting, obviously having run a great distance. She had not noticed the other two occupants.  
  
Misato remedied that swiftly, "In a hurry to do it again, Doctor?" she spat. Ritsuko's head snapped up, giving her an unobstructed view down the barrel of Misato's gun. Misato spoke with more fury in her voice than Asuka had ever heard in her life, "One reason..." she bit off, "give me just one reason not too." She cocked the hammer and waited, her nostrils flaring.  
  
Ritsuko's face showed all of the sorrow that she was feeling, "I... I can't." she met her former friend's eyes, "Do it... I don't deserve to live after this..."  
  
Asuka flinched as the gun kicked in Misato's hand, the gunshot resounding in the small room... the bullet buried itself in the wall four inches to the left of Ritsuko's head.  
  
"No..." Misato whispered, "that would be too easy. Your punishment will be to live with what you've done."  
  
Misato dropped the gun onto the bed and crossed the room quickly, grabbing Ritsuko by her ever-present lab coat and hauling her over to the bed, "LOOK AT HIM!" she screamed, forcing the blonde to within an inch of Shinji's slack face, "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!" she shoved the doctor away, tears flowing down her face, "Get the fuck out of my sight... GET OUT!!"  
  
Ritsuko quietly walked out, her head down as she listened to the other woman's soul-wrenching sobs.  
  
**  
  
"Sempai?" Maya Ibuki approached the sobbing doctor cautiously. She knew what had happened, but after so many years of adoring the woman she could not bring herself to hate her... though she did feel disappointed in her.  
  
Ritsuko gathered herself together, "What is it, Maya?" she asked, her voice uneven.  
  
"These... these reports are for you..." she laid a stack of printouts on her superior's desk.  
  
Ritsuko took a shuddery breath, "Thank you." As the younger woman seemed to be lingering she said, "Is there something else, Maya?" She met the other woman's eyes.  
  
Maya stared into her eyes carefully, searching them. After a moment she nodded and spoke quietly, "Sempai... I don't approve of what you've done." Ignoring Ritsuko's attempt to speak, Maya went on, "but I understand." She smiled at the older woman's shocked expression. She lay a hand on her shoulder, speaking quietly, "It's... hard, to be alone..." giving a gentle squeeze she walked towards the door.  
  
"Maya?" Ritsuko spoke as she opened the door, "Thank you..."  
  
Maya turned to look at her, her smile fading a bit, "Sempai... what you've done is wrong... when you do something wrong you should make amends, right?" The other woman nodded and Maya went on, "Asuka and Major Katsuragi left about ten minutes ago, maybe now would be a good time to start..." she closed the door before Ritsuko could say anything, satisfied with the relieved look on her superior's face.  
  
**  
  
Among the quietly humming life support machines, Ritsuko sat watching the boy in silence. It had been two hours since she had come to the room, and in those two hours she had been unable to say the two words she knew meant so much... even if he did not hear them.  
  
Finally she let out a long-held breath and leaned forward, putting a hand on his arm. "Shinji..." she said, looking directly into his empty eyes, "Shinji... I know... that what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry." -Was that so hard?- she asked herself, -Yes... it was...-   
  
She continued, "I wish... I wish that I hadn't rushed things. I really wanted to be the one..." her voice broke, "the one that comforted you, and instead," she put her hand to her mouth, "I... I took advantage of your sweet nature and friendliness..." finally she began crying.  
  
"But... but Shinji... I'm so alone... so alone..." she rubbed her eyes savagely with her other hand, refusing to break contact with him, "I wanted to be comforted too... and I made you do something you didn't want to do... I'm so sorry!!" She put her head on his chest and wept.  
  
Several minutes past and she finally got herself together. She leaned forward and carefully planted a kiss on his dry lips. She ran a hand across his cheek, whispering,, "When you wake up, perhaps I can find a way to make this all-" she cut off abruptly, aware that someone was in the room with her. She turned around to find herself gazing into a pair of deep red eyes.  
  
"Hello, Doctor Akagi," the boy said in a curiously neutral tone. She took in his shock of gray hair and pale skin and her eyes widened.  
  
"You are the Fifth..." she whispered.  
  
The boy ignored her, frowning at Shinji. After another moment of silence he said quietly, "This is not the way it should be, Shinji Ikari. You were supposed to great me when I arrived." He looked to Ritsuko, and she shrank away from the intensity of his crimson gaze.  
  
He walked to her side and knelt, so he was at her eye level. He spoke directly, never breaking eye contact, "You... took something from him, did you not?"  
  
Ritsuko felt herself flush, "I... yes..." -Why did I tell him that?- she wondered.  
  
The boy nodded gravely, "It cannot be given back... not ever, you know this now?"  
  
"Yes..." she whispered, "but I would give anything to have HIM back."  
  
His hard expression softened slightly, "Do you have love for him?"  
  
Her brow wrinkled, "I... I don't know..." she looked at the catatonic boy, "I had never considered the possibility."  
  
He watched her closely, then spoke softly, "You know what I am... don't you?"  
  
She closed her eyes, "You are the last messenger... aren't you?"  
  
The boy nodded, "Much depends on Shinji Ikari's decision... were you aware of this?" She looked at him in surprise, shaking her head. He considered her for a moment before rising to his feet.   
  
As he walked towards the door he spoke softly, but his words echoed in Ritsuko's mind, "If you do indeed have love for him... bring him back. Only you can do this, doctor, for you are the one that sent him away. Only you can mend what has been torn... and it must be mended in seven days time."  
  
She listened for the opening of the door, or any further words. Hearing neither she turned to find an empty room behind her. She shuddered, recalling his final words, 'Only you can mend what has been torn... seven days...'  
  
Contiued...  
  
  
Omake  
  
"You BITCH!!" the young girl's stupor broke and she charged Misato, crashing into her and carrying her to the ground, "I'll kill you!!! I'll FUCKING KILL YOU!!" she screamed into her face, wrapping her hands around her guardian's throat.  
  
Misato met her eyes and smiled, "Yes, the hate is swelling in you now! Take your Jedi weapon! Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey toward the dark side will be complete!!"  
  
Asuka cracked up, "Oh man... that was a good one!!" she fell on the floor laughing.  
  
On the set of Evangelion: Innocence lost, the director yelled, "Cut!! CUT!!! Misato! What are you trying to do to me here, I'm trying to stay under budget!! Geez..." He rubbed his forehead, a pained expression on his face, "Ok, take it from 'I'll fucking kill you...' honestly," he said as the two actors collected themselves for another take, "you girls have too much free time!! And, ACTION!"  
  
  
  
  
Outline: Shinji in a coma from the trauma of being raped coupled with all the other stresses in his life. Asuka forced to come to grips with her emotions and now the only available EVA pilot. Ritsuko a guilty, emotional wreck. Kaworu arrives...  



	3. On the fifth day -- understanding

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.  
  
Part 3  
On the fifth day - understanding  
By Random1377  
  
Ritsuko Akagi's time was running out. The problem was that this meant humanity's time was running out, too. It had been four and a half days since Kaworu Nagisa, the final messenger, had told her that only she could bring Shinji back. Since then, she had spent all of her time pouring over textbooks on trauma-induced comas - that, and avoiding Misato Katsuragi and Asuka Langley Souryu at all costs.  
  
Both women treated her as if she was dirt... and rightly so, as the current situation was entirely her fault. In fact, the only person who did not treat her this way (aside of the ever-unfeeling Gendou Ikari) was Maya Ibuki, Ritsuko's protégé. It was Maya that had given her the idea for her current plan of attack sometime around the second day.  
  
She had spent two and a half days researching and consulting the Magi computer system in hopes that this solution would work. The results of the preliminary analysis were not encouraging... but it was the best she had.  
  
Now, she hurried to Shinji's room, the last of the gear she needed under one arm. She opened the door to find Maya waiting for her, as promised. She smiled at the younger woman and began to affix more electrodes to Shinji's temples and chest.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing?" She froze at the low voice behind her... and the soft click of a pistol's hammer being drawn back.  
  
She turned slowly - very slowly - and faced the door. Misato's gun was aimed at her forehead, and she could not detect any hesitation in her old friend's eyes or stance. She tried to speak, but found that Misato's poisonous stare had her tongue-tied. -She's going to do it this time,- she thought, -forget making me live to suffer... she going to do it right now.-  
  
Misato's eyes narrowed to slits at the other woman's silence, and she began to slowly squeeze the trigger.  
  
Maya stepped between them, her arms out to the sides, "Major," she said (Ritsuko was surprised to hear only a slight tremor in her student's voice), "don't do something you'll regret."  
  
"What makes you think I'll regret it?" Misato whispered... but she did ease off on the trigger.  
  
Maya stayed where she was, not trusting that the situation was defused, "You would regret it because we're trying to get him back."  
  
Misato's brow cleared slightly and she eased the hammer back down, "You are? How? What is all of this equipment you've got hooked up to him?"  
  
After a sigh of relief, Ritsuko answered, "It's based on the same technology that we use to allow the Children to sync with the EVAs."  
  
"Is it safe?" Misato asked, the barest hint of hope on her face.  
  
Ritsuko hesitated, "Well... it's not without risks..."  
  
Misato frowned, knowing somehow that there would be, "Such as?"  
  
"Well," the blonde began reluctantly, "it may not work at all, this is just a theoretical," she held her hands up quickly, "But the Magi are sixty-five percent sure it will work." She paused, licking her lips, "There is also a risk of bleed-over..."  
  
"What the hell is that?" Misato was starting to get annoyed with the woman's evasiveness. She itched to bring the gun back up and finish it all right then... but if there was a chance, ANY chance, of bringing Shinji back she was willing to take it.  
  
"It's... cross-contamination. It could mean a partial melding of our personalities in the worst possible way," she looked at Shinji's slack face, "it would mean insanity for both of us as our minds tried desperately to sort out which memories were correct... and finally burned out." She met Misato's eyes levelly, "The initial contact could also mean death for him due to his current state... plain and simple."  
  
Misato sat down in the extra chair and lay her gun on the table at the side of the bed, "Then proceed... but if he flat-lines, so do you..."  
  
Ritsuko swallowed and nodded, "I understand. Maya, let's get set up."  
  
They finished the preparations carefully under the watchful brown eyes of NERV's operations director. When all was ready, Ritsuko lay on the bed next to Shinji's and let Maya attach the electrodes to her temples. When she finished, Ritsuko grabbed her hand, "Maya... if I fail, don't try and stop her, do you understand me?" Maya's eyes widened, but she nodded.  
  
Ritsuko reached across to Shinji's bed and took his hand, "Why are you doing that?" Misato asked suspiciously.  
  
"Direct contact is needed for a better circuit." Ritsuko said calmly, ignoring Maya's brief look of surprise, -Well... sort of,- she thought as Maya prepared the sync machine, -*I* need it...-  
  
"Are you ready, Sempai?" Maya asked, her hands hovering over the keyboard. She smiled as her mentor nodded and closed her eyes, "Ok... go bring him back..." she entered a short sequence on her keyboard and hit Enter.  
  
Ritsuko screamed as her mind was ripped away from her.  
  
**  
  
She opened her eyes to a strange, blue glow. "Where am I?" she asked as she got to her feet.  
  
She looked around carefully. The ground seemed firm, but a little... off. Upon closer inspection, Ritsuko realized it was because there was nothing there. It was like walking on dense water - you could see through it, but it was solid enough to move over. "I hope it's solid all the way," she muttered. She could not see a bottom.  
  
She looked around for anything that might be used as a landmark, but found nothing. "How can I find him?" She whispered. She decided to try walking.  
  
After about two hours (as near as she could tell) she realized that she was going about things all wrong. She closed her eyes and envisioned Shinji. Trying to focus on his deep blue eyes.  
  
"Well... the good doctor Akagi." Her eyes snapped open, finding Shinji's two inches before her, "I must say I'm surprised to see you here."  
  
"Shinji!" she exclaimed, covering her heart. She looked closely at him, realizing that she could see right through him.  
  
He laughed, "Do you like my world, doctor?" he gestured around himself, "No people... no EVAs... no angels..." his voice dropped as his smile fell away, "no pain... no betrayal..."  
  
Ritsuko winced. "Shinji... I came to say I'm sorry."  
  
"Well," he said, "that was a long trip for you. Nice to see you again, bye-bye." He turned and was gone.  
  
Blinking, she muttered, "Damn, that's annoying." She closed her eyes and pictured him again.  
  
"What do you want?" Shinji's voice came to her. She kept her eyes closed for a moment, making sure he wouldn't startle her this time.  
  
"I want you to come back with me," she said, opening her eyes to find him standing in front of her, arms crossed.  
  
"Why would I want to come back?" he said sullenly, "People just hurt me when I let them get close."  
  
"You HAVE to come back," she said, a little more frantically than she had intended, "there's still another angel left, and if you don't come back, everyone will die! I have to bring you back with me!"  
  
"What do I care if everyone dies?" he said with a shrug, "No one cares for me, no one likes me, what do I owe anyone?"  
  
Her jaw worked, "That's... not true." She finally managed, "I know Misato and Asuka care for you... and... I care for you." She looked down, "I need you to come back with me, Shinji, I don't want to have the blood of the world on my hands."  
  
"So now you know." Shinji smiled.  
  
"Know what?" she was confused, -Did I just miss something?-  
  
"Now you know what it's like when we pilot EVA." He said with a serene smile, "Now you know what it is like to have the fate of an entire species riding on your shoulders. Sucks, doesn't it?"  
  
She nodded, "You're right... I had no idea." She stepped closer to the image of the boy, "But I do know loneliness like you... I know that very well." She reached out to him.  
  
He looked down, "I... know your loneliness... I can feel it in this place." He looked up, meeting her eyes as she gently laid a hand on his ethereal cheek, "It's cold... and deep. It scares me, Doctor Akagi... it scares me because it is so much like my own."  
  
She smiled, "Shinji... loneliness doesn't have to last... there are ways to get rid of it."  
  
He frowned, pushing her hand away, "Like what you did to me?"  
  
She bowed her head, "Yes... that was wrong... and I'm sorry," she began to cry softly, "do you know why, Shinji? Do you know why I did it?"  
  
"You said it was because you wanted to comfort me..." he said, his brows drawing down in disapproval.  
  
"Yes..." she said, reaching out once more, "and maybe I went about it the wrong way, but my motives were pure, Shinji... I did want to comfort you... and I still do." Her voice became sad, "I want to comfort you... even if it's only to make up for what I've done." She ran her fingers over his face, gently tracing his contours, "Come back with me, let me try and repent for my sin."  
  
His eyes widened, "I don't... I..."  
  
She pulled him into her arms, whispering, "Shinji... I know that what I did was wrong... but please let me make it up to you. Let me show you that I can... that I can love you..." she drew away slightly, "I won't ask you to love me... that would be unfair after what I did, but please let me love you... will you?"  
  
Shinji looked at the pleading in her eyes, "Are you only saying that because of the last angel? Or because you truly feel for me?" he asked, his voice unsteady, "No one has ever told me that they love me before, Ritsuko... why? Why do you love me?"  
  
She leaned closer to him, "I can't hide anything from you here..." she whispered, "you have access to all my memories in this place, all you have to do is look for them... here, intimate contact like this should let you see for yourself..." Gently she pressed her lips to his, imagining that she could actually feel the warmth and not just this pale illusion.  
  
After a moment she pulled back. "You do..." he whispered, "you have since the cross-sync test. You love me... and you don't even know the reason why..."  
  
She shook her head, "I don't... I just know that you're kind and gentle and good and-"  
  
He cut her off, "I know why... I saw it when you kissed me..." he smiled at the shock on her face, bringing his hand up to mimic her caress, "Am I really so much like he was?"  
  
She took an involuntary step backwards, "Like who?" she said, shaken.  
  
Shinji didn't let her escape, "Like your husband, Akito." He grasped her hand, "So young when you married him... so young when he died." Ritsuko fell to her knees, trying to cover her ears... of course it was impossible since her hands didn't really exist. "You changed your name back because you didn't think you were worthy of his memory... I look like him, don't I?"  
  
Ritsuko nodded dumbly, letting her hands fall to her sides as he knelt beside her on the shifting ground, "He's free now, Ritsuko... you know that, don't you?"  
  
"Yes..." she said, her voice thick with suppressed emotion, "I know... but I'm the reason he died. I knew what would happen, and I let the experiment go forward anyway..." she wiped her eyes angrily, "I know he's free... Rei freed him, even if she didn't know what she was doing... but his blood is still on my hands."  
  
Shinji nodded, "Ritsuko... I understand now. I understand why you did what you did... and why you can't get close without hurting." A small laugh escaped him, ringing hollowly in the nothing all around them, "Hedgehog's dilemma fits perfectly, just like me." He smiled broadly, "And that's why I can forgive you..."  
  
Her breath left her, "You... can?"  
  
He nodded "Yes, and when we get back, I think we should talk more about how we can-" his voice disappeared suddenly.   
  
Ritsuko frowned as his image started to waver, "Shinji? Shinji are you- Ahh!" she clutched her head as unfamiliar images flooded her memory. Rei, lying naked beneath her, asking quietly for her to get up... Gendou, turning his back on her as tears flowed freely down her face... Asuka pressing her lips against hers and holding her nose closed... herself, staring into 'her' eyes during a sync test. -Him...- she thought, -it's him... ALL of him!!- She screamed once more as white-hot pain flared through her mind... and everything went dark.  
  
**  
  
"What's wrong?" Misato yelled, watching in horror as Shinji and Ritsuko arched up off of the beds in odd synchronization.  
  
"Something's wrong with the system," Maya said, typing quickly, "the border between them is crashing... one of the drives must be failing." She jumped back as the computer powering the setup sparked and began to emit a high-pitched whine. "SEMPAI!" she screamed as Shinji and Ritsuko abruptly became still. The computer gave one final pop and went still.  
  
Silence and the smell of burning circuits filled the room.  
  
Suddenly Shinji's eyes flew open and he gasped, pulling the tube from his throat with a cough and a shudder. He looked around, "Misato?" She nearly crushed him as she pulled him into a fierce bear hug.  
  
"Shinji! You're ok!!" she rained kisses all over his face, "I was so worried..."  
  
Shinji gently pushed her away and rose on unsteady feet, "Ritsuko?" he nearly collapsed as he stood, leaning over the blonde doctor's bed. "Ritsuko, wake up!"  
  
"Shinji, what are you doing?" Misato said, a hint of confusion slipping into her voice, "Did you forget that she's the reason you-"  
  
"You shut up!" he yelled, pointing at his stunned guardian as Maya put a shocked hand over her mouth, "You have NO idea what she's like - NONE!" He realized what he was saying and lowered his hand, blushing, "I'm sorry..." he said quietly.  
  
He sat on the edge of Ritsuko's bed, "Come back to me." He said softly, scrubbing his hand through his hair, "You're the only one that knows me... don't leave me after you promised to love me... please..."  
  
Misato and Maya exchanged puzzled glances as Shinji shook the blonde gently.  
  
Ritsuko opened her eyes slowly, "Shinji?" she said, disbelieving her eyes, "Is it... REALLY you? Did we... get out?"  
  
He nodded, "Yes, we did..." a small smile appeared on his face, "thank you for coming to get me."  
  
She returned the smile and sat forward, moaning, "What... happened?" she looked around, feeling an odd sense of... doubling - as if she was seeing things twice.  
  
The feeling passed and she rose to her feet, regarding Misato... and the pistol she still had close by. "Don't worry, Ritsu," Misato said, "you brought him back... that's all that matters - for today." She picked her gun up and holstered it. "When can Shinji come home?"  
  
Ritsuko touched her head, the word 'home' echoing through her mind as an image of Misato flashed before her eyes, whispering, 'This is your home now... welcome home...'. "I... tomorrow should be fine... just need to test and make sure his mind is..." she trailed off, her eyes going wide.  
  
"I am glad to see that you were able to reach him, Doctor." Everyone else turned to the door. Kaworu ignored everyone except for Shinji as he stood leaning against the wall, "So, Shinji Ikari... at last we meet. Knowing the contents of her heart and soul, you must know me for what I am."  
  
Shinji nodded, rising to stand next to Ritsuko.  
  
"You must also know that you are the one that must decide, correct?" another nod, "Good... the choice must be made in two days. Before that time, you will know how the decision will be made, and where... until then, fair well."  
  
He turned and left, ignoring Misato's demand for an explanation. She pursued him into the hall, only to find him gone.  
  
"Two days..." Shinji mused, looking at the floor pensively, "not a lot of time."  
  
"Umm... I'm... glad that you're ok, Sempai..." Maya said, still confused, but smiling at her mentor, "I... should get back to work."  
  
Ritsuko smiled as she turned to go, "Thank you, Maya... thank you for believing in me." Maya smiled at the praise and the thanks, and walked out, nearly running into Misato.  
  
"What decision?" The purple-haired woman asked as she came back in, ignoring Maya entirely as she strove to comprehend what was going on, "What was he talking about?"  
  
"I honestly don't know," Shinji admitted with an indifferent shrug, looking around the room for some clothes (he was feeling a slight draft behind him, and wondered if they had seen... him), "but I know it's important, and I know that I'm the only one that can make it."  
  
Misato frowned, "Shinji... don't you think you're letting this go a little too easily?" she nodded towards Ritsuko, "Does what she did mean nothing? And aren't you concerned about the 'decision' he's talking about?"  
  
Shinji sighed and sat on his bed, looking at Ritsuko as he answered, "I know why she did it now, Misato... and while I won't say I think it was ok, I did make the decision to forgive her." He took a deep breath, "Also... she's the only one that can understand me, since she's seen inside of my mind." He lay back down and met Misato's eyes, "As for Kaworu's decision," he shrugged, "does it really matter right now? He's not around - and I doubt you'll find him. Besides, he said I would be informed before it was time... don't you trust angels?"  
  
"Angel?" Misato's jaw fell open, "He's... an angel?"  
  
Ritsuko nodded, "That's why he can fix his sync rate wherever he wants. Now that it's basically common knowledge, I doubt we'll see or hear from him until it's time for this 'decision' that Shinji has to make."  
  
Shinji frowned, -I've heard that before... I've heard her say 'it's a decision that Shinji has to make...- His eyes widened as he realized that he had heard the words with his own ears - as he spoke them. "Misato?" he said, his voice shaking, "Can I talk to Doctor Akagi for a minute alone?"  
  
Misato looked hesitant, but finally nodded, "Sure... if you need me, just yell..." she glared at Ritsuko, her anger not forgotten, "I'll be right outside if anything... happens."  
  
Ritsuko sighed as she walked out, "I guess I deserved that," she said as the door closed, "after all I did..." she trailed off as she found Shinji staring at her with desperation in his eyes. "What's wrong?" she sat on the edge of his bed and began reaching for the monitoring equipment.  
  
He grabbed her hand, "No... it's..." he grabbed his head, "I know things... about you. Things I shouldn't know... things about... my father..." He grabbed his head, "Why do I know these things? I know we 'shared' something when you synced into my mind... but I thought that would fade, like it does with EVA..." he looked at her, "but it's getting worse."  
  
"Something went wrong," Ritsuko said, "I know things about you too. Hopefully the effect will fade, but we may be stuck with each other's memories for some time..." she looked at the floor, unable to meet his eyes, "So you know about me and... the Commander..." she let out a disgusted laugh, "You must think I'm... what?" he was staring at her, open-mouthed.  
  
"You were going to kill me..." he whispered, "after you seduced me, you were going to kill me... just to get back at him..."  
  
"Shinji, I-" she tried to reach out to him, but he pulled away.  
  
"Don't touch me!" he whispered, "I don't know... what to think anymore."  
  
She licked her lips, choosing her words carefully, "Shinji... I know that it looks bad, but you saw... when we were inside. You saw my love for you..."  
  
"It's too much..." he whispered, "I... know that you love me... I felt that." He flinched as more images crashed down on him, "But... these memories..." he met her eyes, "so dark... AHHH!!!" he grasped his head.  
  
"Shinji!" She held her hand out to him, "Come on... we have to get you to one of the LCL tanks until you get stable."  
  
He looked at her hand, a memory of a loaded gun in 'his' desk appearing before him... followed immediately by the image of her ethereal self drawing closer and touching her lips to his, "O-ok..." he said finally, taking her hand as the sincerity of the second image filled him.  
  
"Misato!" Ritsuko yelled, "Help me!" she put his arm over her shoulder, supporting him as he cradled his head in his free hand and whimpered. "Hold on, Shinji," she said as Misato burst in, "just hold on... the memories should stop soon..."  
  
"What's going on?" Misato said, taking his other arm, "I thought he was ok! Did you-"  
  
"NO!" Ritsuko cut her off angrily, "When the computer system went down we exchanged memories - ALL of our memories." Misato gasped as she went on, "My mind just assimilated them... his is having trouble adjusting. He should be fine soon, but we need to get him away from outside stimulation and give his mind a chance to reconcile everything and work it out."  
  
Together they hustled him down to Terminal Dogma and into one of the tanks normally reserved for Rei.  
  
Neither of them noticed the blue-haired girl until she spoke quietly behind them, causing them both to jump, "Is Ikari harmed?"  
  
"Rei!" Misato said, trying to remember to breath, "He's... fine. We just thought this would help him recover."  
  
Rei nodded then spoke again, "Are you unwell, doctor?" Ritsuko was staring at her with a strange combination of emotions on her face.  
  
-He's in love with her...- Ritsuko thought as an image of Rei sitting by the pool flashed into her mind. Feelings of desire warred with her own feelings of hatred, taking her breath away. "Yes Rei," she said, her voice unsteady, "I'm fine."  
  
The three of them stood in silence for a moment, contemplating the boy in the tank of yellow fluid as his mind tried to become stable once more...  
  
Continued...  
  
  
Author's notes: In case anyone was wondering, Akito is the name of the main character in Martian Successor Nadesico, and no, I don't think he was ever really married to Ritsuko... :P   
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



	4. Mutuality

Disclaimer: see part 1.  
  
Part 4  
Mutuality  
By Random1377  
  
Shinji floated in the LCL with his eyes clenched tightly shut, cut off from the outside world by a thick, orange curtain as his mind struggled to cope with a flood of memories... memories from a woman that loved him, but had planned to kill him.  
  
'Hey, Ritsu!' Misato's voice came to him, sounding younger, 'Wanna meet my new boyfriend?'  
  
"No..." he whispered, stirring up a cloud of bubbles, "that's not me!"  
  
Finally, the flow of images slowed, settling into the corners of his mind... filling in gaps in his knowledge and blurring the line between what was his and what was hers. He opened his eyes carefully. He was not sure how long he had been in there - time holds no meaning when you are trapped by memory - but as he looked out of the tank he found Ritsuko and Misato asleep on the floor... oddly close to one another considering the dark-haired woman's declared hatred towards the blonde over what had happened to him.  
  
He tapped on the glass, trying to get their attention. When neither of them awoke, he looked around for a way to release himself, "Hmm... type six-B LCL tank... primarily used for training and gene sequencing of the First Child..." his eyes narrowed and he focused on trying to restrict the flow of incoming data in his mind. They widened again as he found that he COULD limit the influx in such a fashion, but they also widened because the information he was reviewing was about Rei... and her origins.  
  
He snarled unconsciously as he thought of the First, his own desire for her conflicting strongly with Ritsuko's desire to kill the girl... add in the fact she was a walking, talking carbon copy of his mother, and the mixture turns into something almost more than any person could stand.  
  
However, he was no longer technically ONE person. He closed his eyes, drawing in deep lungfuls of soothingly warm liquid, understanding on two levels why Rei found the tank comforting. As Shinji, he understood that the warmth and the floating sensation were direct corollaries to being held by a loved one... from Ritsuko's memories, he gleaned that the liquid contained a mild tranquilizer/stimulant combination, designed to calm the pilot's nerves and maintain brain function while fighting lethargy.  
  
"Very clever," he mused with a mixture of pride and admiration, "now the emergency internal release should be right... here..." he slid his hand along the rim of the hatch, finding the concealed latch and depressing it.  
  
The seal on the tank broke with a quiet hiss and the lid hummed up smoothly. The LCL drained out of the bottom of the tank, leaving him dripping and shivering in the cold, empty tank. "At least they left my gown on me," he muttered, climbing out as quietly as he could, "but I want my own clothes." He held the soaking garment away from him in distaste, hoping that there was a towel in his room.  
  
He slipped past the two sleeping women, pausing to gaze at Ritsuko for a moment with a slight frown, -It's like looking in a mirror...- he thought.  
  
He shook himself and went in search of more clothes, hoping he could get back to his room without being spotted. Suddenly a smile spread across his face, -I'll use route X-nineteen,- he thought as his mind dropped the answer in his lap, "Remind me to thank you later, Ritsuko..." he whispered.  
  
He edged into the hallway and waited until the camera overhead swung the other way, -ten seconds... go!- he thought. He dashed across the hall and tapped the wall, seemingly at random.  
  
Two seconds later, a door slid open in the wall and Shinji stepped quickly through, knowing it would close in less than a second, -Three seconds to spare,- he thought with a smile, -now to get dressed.-  
  
Unobserved, the Third Child dashed through the secret pathway, his confidence growing with every step, -Yeah...- he thought, -this has potential...-  
  
He smiled as he ran, tapping into more memories of the facility, and the people he THOUGHT he knew. And as he went, he could not suppress a cackle of glee at the knowledge laid bare before him...  
  
**  
  
Ritsuko rubbed her eyes as she sat up, yawning and looking at her watch, "Eight hours?" she muttered, "Well, hopefully..." she trailed off as her eyes traveled up to the empty LCL tank.  
  
She reached to wake Misato, when suddenly one of Shinji's memories assailed her, 'You're so fun to tease,' the purple-haired woman said, grinning around her beer, 'you always go so ballistic.' Ritsuko saw herself sitting next to Misato, smiling as she retorted, 'Kind of like Misato.'  
  
She smiled at the memory. It was a happier time... even if Misato was the worst cook ever, there was still the glimmer of a better tomorrow. She saw it in Misato's smile... and in her own, -God...- she thought suddenly, -how long has it been since I smiled like that?-  
  
Bringing herself back to the present, she shook Misato... knowing that she was unlikely to see her smile again - let alone so uninhibitedly. "Wake up, Miso... Shinji's gone."  
  
Misato woke up with a start, "Huh? He's what?" she looked at the empty tank, "How? I thought he was locked in?"  
  
Ritsuko got to her feet, stretching her back and rolling her neck as she moved towards the door, "He has my memories... he knows how to get out."  
  
"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me?" Misato was furious, -Every time I think she's redeemed herself, even slightly, she pulls some shit like this!-  
  
Ritsuko opened the door a crack and looked up the hallway in both directions, frowning, "I did... I told you he had them when we put him in the tank."  
  
"And you didn't take into account the fact that he could get out of it??" Now the major was majorly pissed.  
  
Ritsuko sighed, "Look, I didn't plan on being asleep when he woke up, ok? Besides... I thought it would take him longer to get used to my memories to the point that he could use them." She smiled slightly, "He truly is an amazing young man."  
  
Misato did not at all like the tone in her old friend's voice, "Doctor Akagi, I think you've taken an unhealthy interest in my charge," she said, very formally, "what are your intentions towards him?"  
  
Ritsuko blinked, and then opened the door all the way, "Right now, I intend to find him... and pray to God he hasn't found Rei yet." She ignored Misato's look of confusion, "Past that..." She shook her head, "I'd say that I'd like to spend some time getting to know him, but since I already know everything about him that would be redundant. I think it would be better to say I'd like to spend some time getting closer to him."  
  
Misato's tone was wintry, "I think you've gotten close enough, Doctor..."  
  
Ritsuko frowned, "Misato... do you even know what love is?"  
  
The other woman's eyes narrowed, "I know what it isn't... and that's molesting sensitive young boys and having sex with them against their will."  
  
The blonde flinched, but her voice was level, "Look... I know that I've done something wrong, and I won't try and justify it because it can't be." She looked down, "And I don't think I can explain what I feel for Shinji."  
  
All of Misato's teeth flashed, "Try... really hard."  
  
Ritsuko sighed deeply, "You always did go for the crude intimidation first, even in college. Get you hand off of your gun, I'll try and explain as we walk." Together they moved down the hall, heading towards Shinji's room.  
  
"Misato," Ritsuko began, "before I tell you, let me ask... do you feel anything for Shinji?"  
  
"Not like you do, Doctor," Misato said coolly, "but yes..."  
  
"What, exactly?" Ritsuko pressed.  
  
"Well," Misato said carefully, "I feel the need to protect him... to make sure that no harm comes to him and that he's happy..." she shrugged, "I can only imagine that it's how a mother feels."  
  
Ritsuko nodded thoughtfully, "I feel something similar... but I also feel a need to be near him." She blushed, "When I kissed him, it felt... right. Like something in me was completed when we met." She refused to meet Misato's eyes, "It felt so good I wanted to see what it would be like to have him inside me."  
  
Misato made a disgusted face, but kept her silence.  
  
"I think that's one of the reasons I did it..." she shook her head, "but it would be a cop out to say it was the only reason - too convenient to say I was caught up in the moment." Abruptly she realized she was analyzing herself to the one person on the planet that cared the least to hear (with the possible exception of Asuka), so she wrapped up as quickly as she could, "To make it short, I feel good when I'm near him."  
  
"That's IT?" Misato yelled, stopping in the middle of the hall, "He makes you feel good??"  
  
Ritsuko met her eyes, "Isn't that enough of a reason to love someone? That he makes me feel happy and safe and complete?"  
  
Misato flushed, "You only said good," she muttered as she resumed walking, "and when you're as much older as you are - no, it's not enough."  
  
"Odd..." Ritsuko said, "I didn't think you were the type to let age difference stand in the way of your feelings. I seem to remember a certain forty year old you dated in college... when you were," she paused, "twenty-four?"  
  
Misato came up short, her anger boiling over once more, "That's different! Shinji is FOURTEEN! Technically, you're old enough to be his mother!"  
  
"Well, yes... but I-" Ritsuko never got to finish her thought.  
  
"Hey, listen," Misato said, "if you're looking for understanding and support, you won't find it in me, got it? I DON'T approve!"  
  
Ritsuko pursed her lips and decided to change the subject, "Come on," she said in a tired voice, "we have to find Rei before he does."  
  
"Why?" Misato asked.  
  
"Just becau-" Misato had had enough of the other woman's evasiveness. She grabbed her by the collar of her lab coat and slammed her up against the wall.  
  
"Why?" she repeated, her voice cold.  
  
Ritsuko read the fury in her eyes and swallowed, "Because he might try to kill her..." she said reluctantly.  
  
"What?" Misato said, loosening her grip in shock, "Why would he do that?"  
  
Ritsuko looked down as an image of Rei appeared before her. She was sitting in her entry plug and smiling brightly, -I can see why he loves her...- she thought. To Misato she said quietly, "The older the memories, the more emotional weight they carry."  
  
"So?" Misato answered, "Shinji's memories of Rei are all - oh my GOD!" she cried as realization hit her. "You..." she whispered, "your memories..." Ritsuko nodded.  
  
Misato took off running, praying that they would not bee too late...  
  
**  
  
Shinji strode through the halls with an air of confidence. He had never felt that he belonged at NERV - it had always had unfamiliar ceilings. Now, he knew every twist and turn.  
  
"Right...here, and..." he pushed the huge security door open and blinked in the bright afternoon light, smiling broadly.  
  
His smile fell away as conflicting emotions washed over him. He felt a strong desire to find Rei... but the reasons were almost as opposite as was possible. He took a deep breath, focusing on the thoughts he knew to be his alone (this was difficult, as his mind had not quite finished settling all the way... but he was not concerned, as he found theorems in Ritsuko's memories that suggested things should stabilize soon.)  
  
He briefly considered finding a place to sit and wait things out, as he was not entirely sure what he would do once her found Rei... but he discarded the idea as he recalled that there was only a day and a half now remaining before the 'decision' he had to make.   
  
"I guess we'll find out which memory is the strongest..." he whispered. The part of his mind that was purely his shrank back from the cold voice which he used, while the part of him that was still in confusion cheered his resolution to do SOMETHING.  
  
What he might do when he saw the girl, he did not know... but he DID know that currently she was the only thing on his mind, and somehow the key to stabilizing him.  
  
So he walked slowly towards her apartment, his hand occasionally drifting down to touch his pocket... and the fully loaded nine-millimeter pistol he had taken from Ritsuko's desk.  
  
**  
  
Rei turned to her door, certain that she had heard something. Finding nothing, she continued preparing for sleep, taking her clothes off and discarding them carelessly on the floor. The fact that she was sleeping at four in the afternoon did not strike her as odd in the slightest. She had been taught that if you are tired, you sleep... and the tests of this morning had made her very tired indeed.  
  
As she slid beneath her covers she considered what she had seen that morning. -Why was Ikari in the LCL tank?- she wondered idly, -The answer provided does not seem... correct.-  
  
She was not sure why Doctor Akagi or Major Katsuragi would lie to her, but she felt certain that they had. Also, the fact that Shinji had accepted the blonde woman's help after the vile thing she had done to him confused Rei. She had been present for Asuka's psychological rape... she had heard the redhead's screams... and afterwards, she had researched rape in all of its various forms - fascinated, yet repelled, by the idea that one person would force themselves upon another against the other's will.  
  
She considered what she might do if she was in a similar situation... and shivered. She was not a strong girl, and she knew it. She looked around the rundown apartment, "I will inquire if I can be relocated..." she whispered, "I do not feel... safe here any longer..."   
  
Finally, her tiredness overcame anything further she might have thought, and she slept deeply. So deeply that she did not wake as the door opened and Shinji stepped into the apartment, a strange look on his face.  
  
She was so deeply asleep, in fact, that she didn't even stir as the smooth, cold barrel of a gun pressed gently against her temple.  
  
**  
  
Misato was out of breath as they finally reached her car, "If he kills her," she gasped, ramming the key into the ignition as Ritsuko climbed in the passenger side and buckled her seatbelt, making sure it was tight, "it's on your hands..." she finished, turning the key and hitting the gas pedal as hard as she could, making the blue car rock slightly before she forced it into gear.  
  
As the car shot forward out of the parking stall, Ritsuko grabbed the door frame, "I know..." she said grimly, "I know..." As they roared through the late-afternoon traffic, another memory hit Ritsuko, 'Hey, get in!' Misato called cheerfully, ignoring the dozen or so VTOL aircraft peppering the huge, green creature that was in the process of destroying the city. Shinji's memory of the woman made her smile, -He thought she was so sexy...- she thought, -but he was terrified... he thought they were going to die - and they almost did.-  
  
She looked at Misato from the corner of her eye, letting Shinji's view of the purple-haired woman interpret what she saw. The difference was breathtaking. Instead of an old college friend, too free with her drink and affections, she saw a mother figure - tough, caring, relentless, soft, sweet, hard, and loving all at the same time. She smiled slightly at the boy's simple, optimistic view of the woman... and at her own shortsightedness at not seeing those qualities in someone she had once been able to call 'friend'.  
  
She was about to speak when Misato trounced the brakes, throwing the car to the left and causing it to come to a skidding stop in front of Rei's decrepit building. Misato stepped out of the car and looked up at the building. Ritsuko didn't waste any time, she jumped out and ran for the door, "Ritsuko, wait! Damn..." Misato whispered. She hesitated for a minute, then drew her sidearm and ran after the blonde woman. -God, I hope I don't have to use this...-  
  
Ritsuko took the stairs two at a time, breathing hard as she reached Rei's floor. She sprinted to four-oh-two and threw the door open, "Rei! Rei are you-" she was cut off abruptly as she felt cold steel press into the bottom of her jaw.  
  
"Shhh..." Shinji whispered from the side of the door, "you'll wake her, Doctor."  
  
She gasped as he pressed upward slightly, forcing her eyes up to where she could see Rei, sleeping peacefully in her bed. "Shinji," she whispered, "I was afraid that you were going to-"  
  
"Finish what you started?" he said, cutting her off.  
  
She swallowed and risked a glance his way. Her eyes locked with his, and she could clearly see the cold fury behind them, "Is that what you were going to say, Doctor Akagi?" he whispered back, "Then maybe once I was done here I might just head for the tanks in Terminal Dogma and finish her off for good, eh?"  
  
A tear slid down her cheek, "Yes... I was afraid of that... I didn't want it to happen." Images from two lives flashed through her mind, conflicting for dominance as the fear of dying became palpable.  
  
Misato stepped cautiously through the door, but came up short as she saw Ritsuko's back... and Shinji pressing something up against her throat. "Shinji," she began, "don't do anything that you'll-"  
  
"Hello, Miso," he greeted her calmly, never taking his eyes off of Ritsuko, "don't wake Rei up, ok? She seems really tired."  
  
Misato let out a wavering breath, "Ok, Shinji..." she said lowering the gun to her side, but keeping it at the ready, "just let Ritsuko go and we'll all leave Rei here to sleep alone."  
  
Shinji shook his head, "Not yet," he said, "I need something from the Doctor first." He leaned closer to Ritsuko, "Are you scared now, Ritsu?" he whispered.  
  
She nodded as best she could, "Yes... I am..." she said softly.  
  
He stepped closer, pressing his body against hers and dropping his voice even lower, "Do you think you're going to die?"  
  
She smiled softly, turning her head to face him, "No... I don't..."  
  
Misato frowned at this response, as did Shinji... who thrust upward suddenly, eliciting a gasp of pain from the blonde, "Why?" he whispered, leaning forward until he was only inches from her face, "Why do you think I won't kill you were you stand?"  
  
"Because," she whispered sadly, "you're not like me..." She licked her lips, "you're not cold like I am, and you're not cruel like I am... and you can love like I... like I haven't been able to..." more tears flowed down her face as images of Rei, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, and Misato rushed through her mind.  
  
Shinji let his hand down, relieving the pressure on the woman's neck slowly, "You're right," he said, "I'm not like you." He opened his hand, and Misato watched in stunned silence as a metal spoon dropped to the floor with a clang.  
  
Shinji stepped back, but Ritsuko reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him back, "Shinji?" she said, studying his face, "Why did you do that?"  
  
He looked at the floor between them, a small frown on his face, "Because," he said after a moment of silence, "because I'm becoming like you now... as more of your memories open to me, I become more and more like you."  
  
Misato gasped as the cold tone of voice the boy used... and all that his words meant. Later that night she would cry for him - for all that he would never be again... but now she listened in rapt silence as he finished speaking.  
  
"I also wanted you to feel what I felt," he said, blushing with shame, "I... wasn't going to rape you... but I wanted you to feel shame and hurt like I felt..."  
  
"I'm... sorry, Shinji..." she said softly, "if it means anything at all to you anymore, I'm terribly sorry for what I've done."  
  
He nodded, "I know you are... and I'm sorry for doing this. I should have been better," he bowed his head, "I've seen some of the things you've had to do," he whispered, "I don't know how you live with the shame."  
  
Ritsuko began crying softly, "Neither do I," she said brokenly, "every day when I look in the mirror I hate myself a little more..."  
  
Shinji reached up and gently wiped her tears away, "I know," he said with a soft smile, "I remember."  
  
Continued...  
  
Thanks to JobFaust and Lord DeathScythe for pre-reading and making some excellent suggestions on this one.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  



	5. Tones and inflection

Disclaimer: see part 1  
  
Part 5  
Tones and inflection  
By Random1377  
  
Asuka Langley Souryu opened the door to the small apartment with a tired sigh. She had been up for twelve hours so far, and after school and training she was wiped out. The fact that she had not been allowed to visit Shinji had also come as a slap in the face.  
  
"Quarantined..." she snorted as she moved through the apartment, "five days later and NOW he's quarantined." She stopped short as she passed the kitchen, her eyes going wide. Taking a careful step back, she looked into the small room. Shinji was standing with his back to the door, apparently reading from a cookbook. "Shinji?" she whispered softly.  
  
He turned to face her, "Asuka..." he said happily, "I'm glad you're home."  
  
"I..." she stammered, trying to decide if she should hug him or yell at him. Ultimately, she just stood still, saying softly, "I'm glad you're home too..."  
  
Shinji smiled at the girl's confusion, then his eyes widened as his mind supplied him with the information contained in a file marked 'Second Child psyche report - post fifteenth' in Ritsuko's desk.  
  
"What?" Asuka said with a frown, "Do I have something on my face?" his continued scrutiny was beginning to unnerve her  
  
Shinji blinked, "N-nothing," he stammered, as words like 'infatuated', 'fragile' and 'caution' raced through his mind, "I was just thinking that I would make lunch..." he smiled, "you hungry?"  
  
"Oh..." she said, then returned his smile hesitantly, "sure, anything is better than the crap Misato's been feeding me."  
  
The word 'fragile' is the one that resounded with the most force, echoing side by side with her shout after the angel had raped her mind.  
  
He swallowed, "Asuka..." he said, avoiding her eyes as he started cutting up vegetables to make lunch, "do you... still hate me?" he hurried on before she could answer, "I'll understand if you do, I... couldn't help you with the angel..."   
  
She frowned at him, "Shinji," she said quietly, "when I said... those... those words... I... wasn't myself." She looked at his downcast face, "I don't hate you..." she said softly.  
  
He knew that she didn't... her report said quite the opposite, in fact... but he knew that he could not tell her that, so he approached her as if he thought she despised him.   
  
It was his first true taste of manipulation... and he found it quite bitter.  
  
"Can... we be friends?" he asked hesitantly, "Because I... I think we should try and work things out - since we have to pilot together, and all..."  
  
He hated himself. He knew that she liked him - it was all right there in black and white in his mind - and he felt disgusted as he spun her into a web of half-truths and vague niceties in an attempt to win her much needed support for the upcoming battle.  
  
She nodded quickly, "Yes..." she said softly, "I would like that... but Shinji, how long have you been home? And why wasn't I told you were out?" she looked at the table, "Why didn't you find me and tell me?"  
  
He looked awkwardly at the floor, "I wanted to, Asuka," he said sorrowfully, "but Ritsuko told me I had to go straight home and contact no one..." he smiled ruefully, "because my mind needed to recover."  
  
Asuka frowned, -It wouldn't need to if it wasn't for that harpy...- she thought angrily. To Shinji she said, "You should have her arrested, or something..."  
  
He set down the knife and met her eyes, "Asuka," he said softly, "she already feels bad enough, AND," he added, holding up a hand as she opened her mouth, "she's going to therapy. I think it's good enough, and I've forgiven her..."  
  
Asuka frowned deeply, "I..." she looked away from him, "you forgive too easily."  
  
He felt another deep pang of guilt as he replied, "So I should hold a grudge? I should remember every unkind thing anyone's ever done to me and hold it against them for all time?"  
  
She flushed a deep scarlet, "That's not fair..." she whispered before she could stop herself.  
  
He shook his head, "No," he admitted, "it isn't. But neither is you holding a grudge against someone that hurt me after I've let it go. It's not healthy." He felt like scum... knowing that she had every right to be mad as hell.  
  
She stared at him closely for a minute, "You're... different." She said quietly, "I can't figure how, just yet... but something's changed." She snapped her fingers, "That's it!" She exclaimed, "You're making eye-contact."  
  
Shinji blinked, unsure if she was joking or serious, "Come again?" he replied, feeling the control he had over the conversation starting to slip through his fingers.  
  
She frowned slightly, "Well," she began, looking straight into his eyes, "before the... incident..." her lips quirked further down at the word, "you would never look at me when you talked to me. Now you're staring straight at me, like you're daring me to back down... it's different."  
  
He flushed, realizing that she was right, "Should I stop?" he asked, his voice low.  
  
"No!" she said, a bit too quickly, "I just... I meant that it's different..." she blushed very faintly, "I... like it..."  
  
He studied her face for a moment, seeing her as he never had before his merger. He liked what he saw. "Asuka?" he said gently, "You know about the angel, don't you?"  
  
She looked away, "Only a little..." she replied, "Misato told me it identified itself, and that YOU had to make a choice about something."  
  
He resumed cutting the vegetables, confused as his feelings conflicted with Ritsuko's memories... and amazed that the blonde woman had such strong, negative feelings for so many people. "Will you... do something for me?" he said softly, turning away as he carefully put the food in a large skillet.  
  
She stared at his back, trying to discern his intent. Finally she gave up, "What do you need?"  
  
He closed his eyes, "It's a big favor..." he began reluctantly, "so if it's too much, just let me know and I won't be mad." He took a deep breath and turned to face her as he asked, "Will you go back to base and get into Unit 02... and stay there until this is over?"  
  
Her brow darkened instantly, "Shinji Ikari, if you're trying to keep me out of harm's way, I'll-"  
  
"I'm not..." he said quietly, making sure his eyes never left hers, "I need you there to back me up." He smiled at her, delivering the masterstroke, "You're the only one I can trust to save me if I get into trouble..."  
  
Her reaction was more than Shinji could have hoped for, "I..." she blushed, smiled, stammered and nodded - all at once, "I'll do it..." she said firmly... then blushed deeper, "but only... because I... because it's my duty." She finished awkwardly.  
  
He didn't need the report to read the lie in that statement - it was all over her face. He nodded, "Thank you..." he said, covering the skillet to let the vegetables steam, "I knew I could count on you..."  
  
She smiled but said nothing. They stared at each other in silence as the food cooked... her wondering if she should reveal her feelings to him, him wondering if he COULD feel anything of his own ever again or if Ritsuko's thoughts would always influence him.  
  
They both tried to speak at the same time, unable to bear the silence any longer. "ShinjiAsuka." They blinked at almost the exact same time... then burst out laughing.  
  
After a moment, Shinji spoke quietly, "Once this is all over," he began slowly, "what do you plan to do with your life?"  
  
She met his eyes steadily, "There's a boy I like..." she replied very softly, "and after all of this is over, I plan to make him mine."  
  
He felt short of breath, "Why wait?" he asked, feeling dizzy, "Why not tell him now?"  
  
She broke eye-contact, "It's not the right time," she said softly, "too much stress. We both have so much going on right now... it couldn't work out." She met his eyes again, "But... once things are over, I'll tell him how I feel... and see if he feels the same."  
  
Shinji closed his eyes, "He would be a fool not to feel anything for you..." he replied, thinking of Ritsuko, and her declared love for him, "I hope things work out for you... he's a lucky man..."  
  
When he opened his eyes, he found her standing with her back to him. "Shinji..." she said quietly, "thanks for offering me lunch, but I think I'm going to head back to base and wait..." she turned to face him, smiling gently, "I AM the only one who can back you up, after all."  
  
His earlier concern that he would not be able to feel anything on his own vanished under the intensity of her soft smile, and he answered her with a whisper, "Asuka..." he began, "I... I know what you mean - about wanting to wait for the right time." He smiled tentatively, "There's a girl I like, too... and until today, I didn't know how she felt. After the angels are all gone... I plan to see if I can make it work with her..."  
  
Asuka's eyes widened, "Shinji..." she whispered, understanding dawning. Abruptly, she turned away, a slight shiver running through her. Though he could not see her face, the tone of her voice told him she was smiling as she said quietly, "I think she's the luckiest girl around..." She left without another word.  
  
**  
  
Ritsuko cast a sidelong glance at Shinji and frowned, "That's all he said?" she asked dubiously, "'Come to Central Dogma at eight and all shall be revealed?'"  
  
Shinji nodded, "That's pretty much it," he said, never breaking stride, "that and to come alone."  
  
They were hurrying towards the location in question as fast as they could, both of their minds pondering the layout of the big room - and how to get Unit 02 there without raising the 'Fifth Child's' suspicions.  
  
As they opened the door, Shinji said thoughtfully, "I was thinking that we could bring it in through-" he stopped dead, his eyes widening, "you..." he whispered.  
  
Kaworu Nagisa stood in the middle of the old command room, "You are early, Shinji Ikari..." he said, smiling faintly.  
  
His right arm was extended to the side... and his hand was wrapped around the throat of Rei Ayanami, who stood calmly staring at the floor.  
  
Ritsuko and Shinji's faces both took on an identical snarl of anger, and Ritsuko wished that she had had the forethought to bring the gun from her desk with her.  
  
Fortunately, Shinji had had the same thought - and had acted on it. He whipped the nine-millimeter out and fired without hesitation, aiming for the gray-haired boy's head.  
  
The bullet was deflected three feet in front of the boy, bouncing harmlessly off of the hexagonal field that appeared in front of him. "Such hot blood you Lillim have," Kaworu said, shaking his head, "shooting first and asking questions later is not wise in a scenario such as this."  
  
Shinji lowered the gun to his side. "Why are you here?" he asked bluntly, "You said I had until eight - that's four hours from now," his eyes went to Rei's face, "and why is she here? This is between you and me."  
  
Kaworu shrugged slightly, "Free will is my providence," he replied simply, "I chose to act now - much as you choose to try and ensnare me using the shadow of Adam and the second daughter of Eve."  
  
Shinji's eyes narrowed, "You're not an angel..." he said coldly, "dragging an innocent girl into this."  
  
Kaworu's smile faded, "She is not innocent... nor are you, any longer," he frowned, "the choice was to be made by someone pure at heart... but you are no longer that. However, the die has been cast... and I shall abide by His decision. Now choose, Shinji Ikari," he said softly, lifting the First Child off the floor, "the life of the one that you love most or the lives if the rest of humanity?"  
  
Rei began to struggle fiercely, her innate will to live finally overcoming her long held desire for the release of death.  
  
Shinji met her crimson eyes, "Do you know that I love you, Ayanami?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
Her struggles ceased immediately, "Yes, Ikari... I love you as well," she said, closing her eyes, "and I understand."  
  
"Thank you, Rei..." he said. Then in one swift movement he brought the gun up and fired.  
  
Ritsuko held her breath, expecting the bullet to be deflected like last time. Instead, it smashed into the boy's chest, making him gasp in surprise and stagger backwards a step.  
  
"For you..." Rei whispered, her eyes opening and meeting Shinji's once more.  
  
Kaworu smiled, "I see..." he coughed, blood rushing down his shirt from the gaping wound, "then the choice is made." His hand whipped to the side with vicious force... and a dull snap echoed through the room.   
  
Shinji never flinched... he merely stared into Rei's eyes until the light left them. Then he sighed and whispered, "Ritsuko? Is it enough? Can you let it go now?"  
  
Ritsuko looked from the dead girl to Shinji's face... then nodded slowly, "Yes..." she whispered, her urge to kill the girl destroyed by the actuality of the event... and Shinji's remembered love of her, "more than enough..."  
  
Shinji nodded absently, finally looking to the stricken angel. "Do you know your mistake?" he whispered, walking over and standing in front of the boy.  
  
He energy spent, the Fifth Child collapsed to the floor, his hand still on Rei's throat. "Her... field neutralized mine..." he said with some difficulty, "didn't expect it... to be... so strong..."  
  
Shinji shook his head, looking at Rei's body, "That's not the only mistake you made," he said softly, "she was ten times the human - and angel - that you are... but still, that wasn't what killed you."  
  
Kaworu's eyes lost their focus, "What... then...?" he whispered, his breath becoming more labored.  
  
Shinji crouched down and leaned closer to make sure his words would travel with the boy to Heaven, "She wasn't the only one that I loved..."  
  
Kaworu smiled in understanding, "I... see..." he whispered, "well played... Third Child... well played... indeed..." Then he let out a long breath... and became still.  
  
Shinji dropped the gun and scrubbed a hand through his hair, "Come on, Ritsu..." he said, wiping a tear from his cheek, "she'll be waiting."  
  
"Shinji, I..." the blonde was at a loss for words, but she forced herself to speak anyway, "you know that... that she won't be... won't be..."  
  
"I know..." he whispered, kneeling in the blood of the last angel and gently closing Rei's eyes, "she won't be the same..." he pulled Kaworu's hand away from the blue-haired girl's neck and folded her arms over her stomach, then leaned forward and kissed her cooling lips softly, "I'm sorry Rei..." he whispered.  
  
**  
  
They walked in silence to the clone tanks and released the fourth Rei. It was all Shinji could do not to break down as she stepped from the tank with a quiet, "Hello, Pilot Ikari..." He knew from Ritsuko's memories that with each successive clone the memories and emotions grew slightly weaker. It had been hard to take with the third Rei... it was almost unbearable with the fourth.  
  
"Hello, Ayanami..." he replied softly, unable to meet her eyes, "what is the last thing you remember?" he asked, dreading the reply.  
  
She stared at him impassively, "The sixteenth angel has been destroyed," she replied, "and I am the fourth, am I not?"  
  
He nodded as Ritsuko stepped forward to examine her. "Physically she's fine..." she said quietly, leaving the rest unspoken as she turned away.  
  
Unexpectedly, Rei spoke again, "Ikari... I do remember something else..."  
  
Ritsuko's head snapped back around, "What? What do you remember?" she asked, excited.  
  
Rei looked confused, as if searching for a thought she could only half remember, "I remember... you telling me something... something important..."  
  
The blonde woman held her breath. If Rei remembered that Shinji had said he loved her, it would be the first time one of the clones had any recollection of ANY event past the last memory recording.  
  
The barest ghost of a smile appeared on the blue-haired girl's lips. "It is nothing," she whispered, looking at Shinji as she spoke, "just something that Ikari told me... something that meant a lot to him. It is not important right now... but it was when he said it."  
  
The smile disappeared as if it had never been, being replaced by cool indifference. Shinji realized something about Rei in that instant - each body DID have its own soul... and this was merely the third's way of saying goodbye. He imagined her soul ascending... hanging on as long as it could, just to deliver that one last message... just to let him know that even though she was no longer 'there' he would always have someone to watch over him.  
  
His own, personal angel...  
  
To be concluded...  
  
Author's notes: Ok... I tried to make this story into a Ritsuko/Shinji WAFFY piece... but it just didn't fly. No one bought it - especially after the way it started (you can read below how I tried to spin it, and see for yourself). Please don't think of this as a Shinji/Asuka story, because that is NOT what it's about... it's about Shinji and Ritsuko - just not in a romantic way. Watch for the conclusion, Riding a whirlwind, coming sometime in the next month or so (hey... I have a lot to do, ok? :P)  
  
Pre-read thanks goes out to JobFaust, Ryoma, 20eva, and Lord DeathScythe - as always, you guys rock.  
  
Feedback can be directed to random1377@yahoo.com  
  
  
Alternative, WAFFY ending:  
  
In silence they walked to the clone tanks to release the fourth Rei to walk the earth, each wrapped in their own thoughts. As they neared the room, Ritsuko stopped and turned to him, "Shinji?" she asked softly, "Is it Asuka?"  
  
"Is what Asuka?" he said with a frown.  
  
"The other that you love..." she clarified, "is it Asuka?" For the life of her, she couldn't find any memory of him loving the redhead. He thought she was attractive, but had no thoughts past that.  
  
A peculiar look crossed his face, "Why do you think I wasn't just lying to him?" he muttered.  
  
She blinked, "Why would you?" she wondered, "He was dying... it's not the kind of thing you would do just to hurt some-"  
  
"You would!" he shot back, cutting her off short. He flushed, "I'm sorry..." He looked at the floor for a moment, feeling ashamed that he had let his temper go. Finally, he said softly, "No... I wasn't talking about Asuka..."  
  
She pondered this for a minute, then realized that he had moved off down the hall and was standing in front of the door to the tanks. She hurried to catch up and said, "Wait... who then?"  
  
He turned to face her, "Don't be dense, Doctor," he said with a soft smile, keying in the sequence to open the door, "it doesn't suit you."  
  
As the door to the clone tanks slid open, she reached out and took his hand. "Shinji?" she whispered quietly.  
  
He started to turn back to her, "Yes, Rit-"  
  
She put a finger against his lips, "Shh..." she said softly, "I'm not good with feelings," she grinned, "even if I AM the smartest woman on earth."  
  
He returned her grin, for a moment forgetting all that had happened, "And of course, you're so modest. Maybe you shou-"  
  
She cut him off again, though not with her finger this time.  
  
He closed his eyes, leaning into the kiss and opening his mouth against hers. They stood still in the hallway for a moment, letting the moment take them. Finally he broke away, "Ritsuko..." he said quietly, "what now?"  
  
She considered him for a minute, then reached out and touched his cheek gently, "What would you like, Shinji?" she whispered, staring into his eyes, "I... don't know what to do, it's your move. You know that I want to be with you."  
  
He nodded, and then tentatively put his arms around her waist. They had been through much together - even before this situation arose - and yet there was little to say. Each knew the other on a level that philosophers and poets could only dream and write about.  
  
She smiled at him, "You know..." she said, returning his embrace, "if not for you I probably wouldn't be here now. If I had destroyed the dummy system, I'm sure the Commander would have had me executed as a traitor."  
  
Instead of replying, he kissed her again softly. "Once Rei is back home," he said softly as he pulled back, "I want to be with you... the right way..."  
  
She nodded, "I want that too..." she whispered. The question of IF they should make love seemed moot to her, since they already had... however, the question of WHEN had arose in her mind the second their lips touched. And now she had her answer.  
  
In an odd display of control, Shinji slid his hand under her shirt and lightly caressed the small of her back - one of the most sensitive spots on her body. "I'll try not to disappoint you..." he said as he stepped away and walked into the clone tanks.  
  
She stared after him for a moment, her mind whirling at the thought of being with someone that knew EVERYTHING about her. A smile worked its way slowly across her features as it occurred to her that she had the same information. "Yes," she whispered as she stepped through the door, "it's going to be quite an interesting evening..."  



	6. Riding a Whirlwind

Disclaimer: see part 1

Innocence Lost

Part 6

Riding a whirlwind

By Random1377

Shinji stared up at the giant, gray shell marked simply 'Caspar' and sighed, shaking his head. "I wish there was another way," he said reluctantly, "believe me, I'm not too keen on this plan myself."

He turned to face the three women assembled in the room before him, looking at each in turn. Ritsuko was shaking her head while looking up at the supercomputer with a frown… Misato was biting her lower lip, pensively staring at the floor… and Asuka was standing calmly with her arms folded under her breasts, smiling softly at him.

"It's not that I think your plan is flawed," Ritsuko said, bringing her gaze down to his eyes… though holding her frown, "I just don't see why _you_ need to be the one to execute it."

Misato raised her head, "She's right… it should be _her_ in there." She shot the other woman a narrow glare, still unwilling to forgive her for what she had done. Asuka said nothing, but nodded in agreement as Misato went on, "Besides, she knows the Magi better than anyone."

Shinji sighed, "Everything she knows, I know too… and besides…" he met Misato's eyes steadily, "she needs to protect Rei… I'm not physically strong enough to do that."

Misato snorted, "Yeah, that's like leaving a wolf to watch over a wounded fawn…"

"She'll be safe with me…" the blonde said softly, "believe me… I don't want to see her die…" -I already have…- she added mentally.

"I trust Ritsuko." Shinji said calmly, "Rei will be safer here with her than anywhere else."

"We're wasting time" Ritsuko said with a sigh, "Be careful, Shinji… the way we have things set up, there won't be anyone to protect you if the soldiers make it into the base."

Shinji nodded. "Hopefully," he said, "if it comes to that, they won't think to check _in_ the Magi…"

"You're banking on a lot…" Misato said softly.

"I know," the Third Child replied levelly, "now please… get things set up, ok?"

Misato nodded and headed for the door.

"If it comes to self-destructing the base," Ritsuko said, "there's a secret elevator-"

"Behind the command dais," Shinji finished with a soft smile.

"I'm sorry Shinji…" the blonde woman whispered, wondering how many times she had spoken those words just that day, "for everything."

Shinji smiled. "I know you are," he said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder, "but at least with your memories we were able to determine when SEELE was going to attack. Now please… Rei's waiting…"

Ritsuko leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "I won't let anything happen to her," she promised.

"Ritsu, come on," Misato said impatiently, waiting by the door, "it's creepy here with no one around… I don't want to leave alone!"

"Coming," the doctor replied.

Asuka lingered for a moment, waiting until the other women had left before approaching Shinji.

"W-what is it?" he stammered, shivering at the intensity of her gaze. –Even with Ritsuko's memories,- he thought, -I _still_ can't look her in the eye…-

"When I get back," she asked, a smile threatening at the corners of her lips, "I'm sure I'm going to be bored… think you might be too?"

Shinji blinked, confused. "You're going to be…?" he trailed off, flushing as he recalled the last time that she had said she was bored.

Asuka laughed as Shinji nodded, his eyes focused on the floor. "Don't forget," she said quietly turning away.

"So that boy you like…" he said quickly, not wanting her to leave yet, "do you think the time's nearing to tell him?"

Slowly, Asuka turned back. "Close your eyes," she said softly.

Shinji did as he was told, his heart beating a touch faster than normal as he felt a warm breath blow across his cheek.

"Don't push your luck, Third Child…" Asuka whispered in his ear.

He opened his mouth to apologize for pressing the issue, but before he could speak, he felt Asuka's lips brush against his. It was only the barest of touches, hardly more than a whisper of contact… but it sent shivers down his spine.

"Like I said," Asuka whispered against his lips, "it isn't the right time… I want it to be right – and never look back. Do you understand?" 

Shinji's eyes were still closed, so he couldn't see the expression on her face as she embraced him.

"When I tell…" she hesitated for a brief moment before pressing forward, "when I tell that boy that I like him… I want it to be after the angels are all gone. I want it to be the starting point of the rest of our lives. Does that make any sense?"

"Is he… not me?" Shinji asked quietly, feeling confused as she stepped away.

"Don't be stupid," Asuka whispered, smiling gently, "and don't make me explain it again."

"Ok…" he replied, smiling softly as he opened his eyes. "Hey," he said as she stepped back, "Do you think… I should tell that girl that-"

"No," Asuka cut him off, "and I'll tell you why. If you tell her now," she said gently, "and something happens to you… she'll always wonder what might have been. This way, she can pretend that it was all in her head…"

He nodded as she turned away.

"I'll see you later," she said casually, beginning to walk away.

"I love you, Asuka…" Shinji said quietly, bringing her up short, "and if anything happens to you, I won't be able to live with myself if I don't tell you that… flat out… without pretending it's some mysterious girl." He bowed his head, "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I know you didn't want to talk abou-"

He was silenced as Asuka closed the distance between them and kissed him again, holding him tight as his eyes widened. "Idiot…" she breathed as they parted, "you couldn't just leave it alone, could you? Well you know what?" she smiled, touching his cheek gently, "Now you _have_ to stay alive… because if you die after telling me that, I'll follow you to Heaven and kick your ass!"

Shinji smiled weakly. "Yes ma'am…" he said quietly, blushing bright red.

"Now get to work," Asuka said with a grin, "I can't spend all day lollygaging around here with you – I have to get into position." 

As she turned away again, Shinji sighed, hefting the laptop he had chosen to interface with the Magi. 

He looked up suddenly as Asuka called his name. "Shinji…" she said softly, her tone quiet and serious, "I love you too…"

Before he could reply, she stepped out the door, never once looking back.

Shinji grinned foolishly, scratching the back of his head as Asuka's psyche report surfaced in his memory once again. "It didn't say she loved me…" he whispered happily.

His smiled turned into a scowl as his own psychiatric evaluation opened to him, "I am _not_ suicidal!" he muttered as he crawled into Caspar, "Just a little… depressed… and not even that anymore." He blinked as he situated himself within the giant computer, finding that it was true - he no longer felt the least bit depressed.

As he activated the mechanism to close the gray shell, he wondered if it was due to Ritsuko's memories (unlikely, considering how dark they tended to be) or if he was just coming to grips with his lot in life - a concept that pleased him greatly.

He considered the exchange with Asuka having something to do with it, but discarded the notion as he realized that he had begun feeling more and more sure of himself since he had recovered.

Sighing, he connected the laptop to the supercomputer, making sure the interface was active and running smoothly before slipping his headset on and leaning against the wall. The Magi would be the first point of attack, he was sure of it… and he wanted to be ready when it happened. If they lost the computers, they lost the fight.

He could not allow that to happen.

"Funny, isn't it?" he mused, "Her memories will be what saves us all…"

Ritsuko's mind had contained little information about SEELE, but the bit it had indicated was that they always did everything in sevens – a superstitious homage to a god they believed had paved the way for them to elevate themselves.

It was two days after the death of the last angel that Shinji had come to realize that SEELE would attack. NERV held all the cards – the EVAs, Lillith, Adam (though he still was unsure where that being was) – and SEELE couldn't afford to allow them to have that much control.

They had spent the next five days making preparations for the attack.

"We're ready…" Shinji whispered, closing his eyes, "it'll be at daybreak… I know it…" He stole a glance at his watch.

2:45 AM

"Four hours…" he yawned, closing his eyes again, "time for a little rest."

He slipped off into a troubled sleep, knowing that when he woke… the fate of the entire world would be decided.

And knowing he would do all that he could to make sure the ones he loved lived to see the afternoon.

**

"Five fifty-five," Ritsuko said, staring at her watch intently, "less than an hour to go…"

Rei looked from Unit 01 to the blonde woman standing next to her. "One hour is not much time, Doctor," she observed softly, turning back to study the mecha, "though I am sure that you are used to people not taking much time with you…"

Ritsuko blinked. "Come again?"

"I will wager that you do not get that much, either…" the First Child said calmly.

"Are you talking about… sex?" the blonde asked, perplexed.

The fourth incarnation of Rei Ayanami had proven to be different from the last. Just as the third had been different from the second, and presumably the second had been different from the first, but Ritsuko found it hard to believe that this Rei was being… sarcastic.

"I do not know what you are referring to," Rei replied flatly, "I am merely pointing out that people do not wish to keep you waiting."

Ritsuko studied the blue-haired girl closely, but found only blankness in her cool, red eyes. "Anyway," she said, trying to push away the thought that the First Child was making jokes about her sex life, "it will all be over about two hours after the battle begins… no ground troops can stand up to an EVA – and Asuka is the best."

"Indeed," Rei agreed readily, "she is most accomplished."

Ritsuko waited a moment, wondering if the First Child would adlib to her commentary. When she said nothing further, the blonde shrugged and turned away.

"I am sure that you are also… talented," Rei said softly, "in your own way, of course…"

"What are you trying to say, Rei?" Ritsuko said archly, rounding on the girl, "Are you implying that I'm a tramp?"

"No, Doctor Akagi," the girl replied, raising her eyebrows innocently, "I was merely pointing out that you are skilled in the use of computers – a different field than Pilot Souryu's."

"Oh…" Ritsuko said, confused, "ok then…"

She turned away, continuing her preparations… and missing the faint smile that played ever so briefly over Rei's lips.

**

Sunrise over Mount Nobi was one of the most beautiful sights in the whole world. It came like a red tide washing slowly over white sand, gradually filling the sky with color and light. However, there were few witnesses to the sunrise that day, as Shinji and Ritsuko had had the foresight to have the populace quietly evacuated… though those who were there could have told you that it was the most beautiful the city had ever seen.

And it was the last it would ever see.

"Commencing operation…"

Spoke an anonymous voice, one of the pilots of the huge bombers cruising overhead as the sun rose from its nightly rest… and began the attack on Tokyo-3.

It was an awesome sight to behold… a masterwork of military coordination. The bombers were still rather far off, circling and awaiting the order to release their cargo, but the ground forces were already beginning to move into the Geofront, and the black-operations commandos (those dangerous men who were not afraid to get their hands dirty) slipped quietly towards NERV headquarters.

While the land and air forces were moving in, the other Magi supercomputers around the world began their operation, attempting to hack into their mother computers, going at speeds thought almost incalculable as they ripped through firewalls and defensive software near the velocity of human thought.

All was going to SEELE's master plan… and soon Unit 01, Adam, Lillith, and Rei would all be in their hands.

Or so they believed.

"First team in," one of the commando's said, his voice flat and hard as he stared down at the body of the guard at his feet, "opening the doors." - Girl's on guard duty, - he thought with some distaste, looking down at the still form, - what is this world coming too? -

"Roger that, Cyclops 1," a voice replied in his ear, "computer attack is at nearly eighty percent… move your men in…" there was a brief pause, "one hundred percent body count, understood?"

"Yes sir," the commando replied, "we'll handle it."

He raised his hand, motioning for his men to storm through the opening doors… and fighting the sensation that something was amiss. He had been a soldier for more than twenty years, so he trusted his instincts… and as his men moved past him, he knelt by the body of the sole guard, turning her over too look into her glassy eyes.

"Light resistance," one of his men announced over the radio, "so far… just a few techs. Must have been a long night… they're all tired and dopey."

The Cyclops team leader frowned. "How many of those techs are male?" he asked suddenly, remembering a certain bit of intel… and feeling suddenly very, _very_ queasy.

"Ummm…" his man replied, obviously pausing to check some of the bodies, "all girls, sir, it-"

"Pull back!" the leader cried, yanking the hat off of the guard, "Pull the _fuck_ back!!" He knew it was too late. Even before he heard the confused shouts of his men as they were swept up in a sea of liquid-form Bakelite… he knew it was too late as the security doors slammed shut again, controlled by the computers that were _definitely_ not under their control.

He bowed his head, shaking it from side to side as he looked down at the guard. Or rather, the guard's hair… her sky-blue hair…

"We've been had…"

**

"The jig is up," Misato spoke into her headset, folding her arms and looking at the monitors in the makeshift command post they'd set up in Terminal Dogma, "they're good, Shinji, I thought we'd have more time before they figured it out…"

"We'll have to be better," the brown-haired boy replied, the sound of rapid typing coming over the com-link, "the Magi are holding their own, but mother's not happy about it…"

-Mother…?- the Operations Director thought, confused. Shaking her head, she said, "They're not going to get control, are they?"

"I don't think so," Shinji replied, his tone definitely sounded Ritsuko-like, "I put a program in place to stop them, wrote it myself." There was a slight pause, then he went on, sounding more like himself, "I mean… Ritsuko wrote it. Not sure about the name, though… sounds a bit diabolical."

Misato grinned as Shinji told her what it was called. "That sounds like her," she admitted, "at least she put 'defender' in the title…"

"They'll start bombing soon," Shinji said quietly, "are you sure Makoto and the others got away alright?"

They had arranged for the technicians and other personnel to be discretely evacuated from the city. It had been difficult, considering how many informants SEELE had at their disposal, but somehow they had managed to pull it off. Makoto had been the last to go, helping prepare the Magi with Shinji and Misato, and shaking the boy's hand before leaving.

"They're all gone," the purple-haired woman replied, nodding her head, "the Commander…" she trailed off, frowning. The small helicopter bearing Shigeru, Fuyutsuki, and Makoto had taken off the previous night… and the Commander was supposed to be on it.

But for the life of her, Misato could not remember seeing the man through the glass. -I just wish Maya had gone with them_ -_ she thought grimly, -her alone in the pribnow box doesn't sit well with me.-The brown-haired tech had chosen to stay there on the off chance that something happened to Ritsuko, and Unit 01 still needed to be launched. 'Better safe than sorry,' she'd said, adamantly refusing to leave.

"Well," Shinji said, interrupting his guardian's thoughts, "I guess it's up to Asuka now…"

Misato nodded, biting her lip pensively. –Ikari…- she thought suddenly, -why do I get this feeling…- she shook her head, "I'll be in touch," she said quietly, "need to check on something." She keyed in the locking sequence for the security doors, then reached under the console to the already exposed wires, yanking them out with a savage tug. "There," she said with some satisfaction, "now only an EVA can get through…"

She stepped out into the darkened hallway, looking around cautiously. She knew there was no one there… but still, a deep sense of foreboding filled her.

Drawing her pistol, the purple-haired woman hurried towards Terminal Dogma, her mind fixed on the image of a giant white creature nailed to an enormous red cross…

**

The bombing of Tokyo-3 was completed in less than four minutes, twenty-three seconds, revealing the Geofront to the rest of the world. The ground troops continued to pour in, though more cautiously due to the twin disasters of the failed computer hack and infiltration.

Deep under the water of the small lake in the Geofront, a pair of ice-blue eyes narrowed, watching the advancing troops through the viewscreens with a look that was decidedly hungry.

"Let's do this…"

The commander of the small battleship that SEELE had seized and had been preparing to use to depth charge the seemingly silent Evangelion barely had time to cry out in surprise as he found his vessel lifted into the air.

"There were people living in that city," Asuka whispered as her mecha stood tall in the shallow lake, bearing the gray warship over its head like a champion weightlifter. "You people never hesitated… never gave them any warning…" her voice was filled with ice as she concluded, "they would have died if we hadn't gotten them out." She grinned darkly, "So I suppose… I'll give you the same consideration that you gave them – do unto others, and all that."

She tilted the battleship at a forty-five degree angle as the tank platoon on the shore launched a salvo of missiles and mortar shells in her direction. "See?" she said softly as the projectiles slammed into the ship in her hands, "_You_ never even had a chance…"

With a savage scream, she willed her red machine to take two, lumbering steps, hurling the war craft laboriously at the attacking tanks. It wasn't a graceful attack, by anyone's standards – and it almost looked comical as Unit 02 lost its footing and fell face-first into the water… but any warrior, tactician, or leader will tell you, 'It's results that count.'

And Asuka's awkward assault _definitely_ got results.

Even as the tank platoon was annihilated in a burst of fire and smoke, the redhead was bringing her Unit up on shore, snarling unconsciously at the remaining forces. "I won't surrender…" she whispered, fiercely, quickly destroying a group of VTOLs that tried to attack her.

As she reached the bank, a warning alarm went off in her cockpit.

"_Shiest!_" she cursed, looking back to find her internal power timer running. Her umbilical cable dangled from the back of her unit, severed at the midpoint by a stray (or very well placed) shot from one of the tanks. Ejecting the now-useless cord, Asuka turned her attention to the attackers, "I was thinking about having you surrender," she mused, shaking her head, "but I don't have time for all of that now…"

It was to be one of the shortest battles in history.

By the time Asuka's timer had reached four minutes eighteen seconds, all of the ground troops had been destroyed. The redhead sighed, leaning back in her chair and switching the EVA to standby mode to conserve all the power she could, "Sorry…" she whispered, feeling truly remorseful for having had to kill so many… but knowing she had had no choice.

Her attention was drawn to the smoke filled sky, her eyes widening as she spied nine white shapes, slowly floating through the hole in the Geofront. "The EVA series?" she breathed as the unmistakable forms started to circle her, "They've been completed…?"

She gripped her control yokes tightly as the Units touched down, switching her EVA into full battle mode and stealing a look over her shoulder. "Three minutes and forty seconds," she said softly, surveying the enemy, "and nine of them. Less than twenty-five seconds apiece…"

Grinning, the redhead made her move.

"Plenty of time…"

**

Shinji's eyes widened as the small monitor that was attached to his headset displayed the circling Units. "Those are…" he whispered. He closed his eyes, thinking quickly, -Opening the hatch… running to the cages… insert time… he shook his head, not a chance…-

In the EVA cages, Ritsuko jumped slightly as her headset crackled in her ear. "What was that, Shinji??" she gasped, unable to believe what she had heard.

"I said Asuka's in trouble," the boy repeated, "you have to pilot Unit 01."

The blonde shook her head emphatically, forgetting that the boy couldn't see her. "I can't, Shinji!" she said frantically, "You're the only one that can-"

"Ritsu!" he insisted, cutting her off, "These are the new mass-production units… with the S^2 engines and perfected dummyplug system – and there's _NINE_ of them! She doesn't stand a chance, you _have_ to do it!"

"No," Ritsuko replied fearfully, staring up at the purple mecha, -she'll never accept me!- she thought, "you could get out of Caspar and get to the cages and-"

"Ritsuko…" the Third Child said gently, "it has to be you… I can't get there in time."

The blonde ran a hand through her hair, her mind desperately seeking an alternative, "I could… Rei could…" she babbled, "Unit 01… and Rei… I…"

"Please…" Shinji pleaded, "Rei can't start Unit 01, you know that… only I can." He paused, taking a deep breath, "And for all intents and purposes, you ARE me." She tried to protest again, but he went on, an edge of desperation in his voice, "Please… you said you loved me… if that's true, do this for me… save her for me… please…"

Silence was her only reply for several seconds, until finally she quietly whispered, "Ok…" came back to him.

Ritsuko was shaking as she hurried to the long unused, but always maintained, trunk marked 'Ikari' and opened it. Rei watched in detached interest as the blonde woman all but tore her clothes off and took a single garment out of the trunk, donning it with the utmost reluctance. The blue-haired girl's eyes widened as the doctor turned to face her.

"Well," Ritsuko said quietly, "How do I look?"

Rei simply stared, taking in the bright silver, adult-sized plugsuit with black trim. As the blonde put on a matching set of silver A-10 connectors, Rei read the single word stitched in black across the suit's front: Alpha. 

"You… look familiar," the blue-haired girl said simply, "I do not like it."

Ritsuko sighed, "I suppose I MIGHT look familiar," she said dryly, pressing the button on the suit's wrist and grimacing slightly as it pressurized. "This suit was all that remained in the entry plug of Unit 01 when Yui Ikari attempted to synchronize for the first time, so to you it might be like looking in an odd type of mirror." She met the First Child's red eyes steadily, "In a strange way, you could almost say this suit was yours."

Rei nodded slowly, "I see." She said coolly. Then, after a moment's thought she whispered, "Will you… destroy it when this is done?"

Ritsuko blinked in surprise. "It… causes you that much discomfort?" she asked, trying to regain her composure. –What an odd request,- she thought, a bit stunned.

Rei shook her head, "No," she replied, the barest hint of a smile dancing at the corners of her mouth, "I would recommend destroying it because it is unbecoming." With that, she turned away, ignoring the doctor's look of shock, and said softly, "You had best activate Unit 01 shortly… or Pilot Souryu will surely be lost…"

**

Pilot Souryu was, at the moment, was feeling _very_ hard pressed for time. "DAMNIT!!!" she screamed, hefting one of the weapons she had 'liberated' from a white EVA and swinging it scythe-like through a grove of trees, cutting the legs out from under one of the enemy plug systems.

As one went down, another leapt in from the side, catching her off guard. She was borne to the ground, her teeth rattling in her head 

"Bastard…" she growled, grabbing the opposing Unit by its stomach and positioning Unit 02's right shoulder-fin up against its neck, triggering the close-attack weapons system housed there.

A feral grin lit her face as the white EVA's head snapped back, six metal spikes protruding from it like a deformed pincushion. "Mit Gott im Himmel, hat alles mit der Welt Recht." the girl muttered darkly, bringing her machine to its feet.

"Asuka!" Shinji's voice came to her over the tac-net, crackling slightly due to the interference of the JSSDF's continuing bombardment, "Hang on! I'm sending help, ok? Just hang on!"

"Help?" Asuka echoed, "Wondergirl?" The thought of being saved – _again_ – by the blue-haired girl didn't sound too promising, and the redhead opened her mouth to say just that… but another EVA attacked, refocusing her attention. -I can do this!- she thought angrily, -I don't need help…-

As the battle raged on, though, she couldn't deny that she was having a least a bit of difficulty. She just hoped Shinji would be all right and that they would all make it out of this ambush-turned-nightmare intact.

**

"The plug is in," Maya's voice came over the cage speakers, "it's time, sempai…"

Ritsuko's stomach felt like it was tied in knots as the sides of the entry plug began to flash. –Here goes…- she thought nervously, -everything on this one shot.-

It had taken surprisingly little time to get her into the plug, and she was still having trouble acclimating herself to the taste of the LCL… but she tried to remain calm, reminding herself of just what was at stake.

"Approaching third stage," Maya's voice announced, "good luck, Sempai…"

Ritsuko mentally counted down the activation checklist. Having gone through this procedure countless times from the other side, she knew it by heart.

"Ten… nine…" she counted to herself, closing her eyes as she reached zero and holding her breath.

Cautiously she opened her eyes.

"Did it work?" she breathed.

"Third stage," Maya reported.

-Damn,- Ritsuko thought with a small laugh, -I was off by- "AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Pain filled her mind, causing her thoughts to shatter and disperse. "What's… happening…" she managed.

"No good!" Maya cried, "Unit 01 isn't starting…"

-Should… work…- the blonde thought, fighting the pain, -I have… his thoughts… I…-

Ritsuko closed her eyes, picturing a cello. She imagined her hands holding the bow… drawing it across the strings… bringing the sweet tones of Air to life… "I am Shinji Ikari…" she whispered calmly, giving herself over to memories of a redhead… a kiss… and a girl with blue hair… a touch… and a father who had left 'him'… a loss…

'His' eyes opened as the pain receded, but did not leave entirely. "Miss Ibuki…" 'he' said, "I think I'm ready now…"

"S-Sempai?" Maya asked, confused.

Pain instantly flared in Ritsuko's mind as she opened her mouth to reply as the EVA once again tried to reject her. "I'm… Shinji…" she gasped, "Shinji Ikari…"

"Are you ready to launch… Shinji?" Maya asked, finally understanding the situation.

"I think so…" the blonde replied, feeling the pain once again dull to a low aching, "I think… it's going to hurt the whole time…" 'he' said, "I want to do this fast… Asuka's in trouble…"

"I'm sorry Shinji," Maya replied, trying her best to reinforce the illusion for her superior, "do the best you can… that's all we want from you, ok?"

It was odd to be looking at Doctor Akagi's face… but to be using the soothing tones and gentle words she normally reserved for the pilots. 

"Thanks Miss Ibuki," the blonde replied, smiling softly, "I'll try…"

-Creepy…- Maya thought, shivering a bit, -she even has his mannerisms…- To 'Shinji' she said, "Umm… I'm going to launch you on route five… that will put you practically right beside Unit 02." On impulse, she smiled and added, "I've heard you and Asuka are dating now, Shinji… congratulations…"

As strange as it was to speak to Ritsuko like she was a child, it was even stranger to see the woman blush and avert her eyes, whispering, "T-thank you…" in a quiet, almost timid voice.

"Unit 01," the brown-haired tech said quietly, praying that her mentor could pull this off, "launching now…"

**

Asuka's brow was drawn down in concentration as she focused on her task… crushing the core of the last white EVA. "Die, you fucker…" she snarled, pleased by the sight of blood welling up around her Unit's fingers.

The rest of the Units had not gone down easily… but they _had_ gone down. Now, time was running out, and she had to finish it. From the corner of her eye, she caught a flicker of movement, and she yanked Unit 02's hand free, whipping it around and raising her AT field.

For a moment, nothing happened. The weapon that she had spotted hovered in midair, seeming to hesitate for a moment before shifting and reconfiguring. "The Lance of Longinus??" the redhead whispered, confused. Her eyes widened as the lance began pushing through her AT field.

A second can be a long time. You can do more things in a second than you'd think possible… hit the breaks on your car… hit the gas… turn the lights on in your house… turn them off… make world shattering decisions… do nothing…

Take a life…

Save a life…

Asuka's teeth rattled in her head as Unit 02 was borne to the ground with a loud crash at the exact second the lance pierced her AT field. As her machine went silent around her, finally running out of power, she heard a scream of pain, cut off by the communication systems lack of power.

"Doctor Akagi?" she whispered, barely recognizing the voice.

Inside Unit 01, 'Shinji's' scream of pain had trailed off into agonized whimpering. "So… fast…" 'he' moaned, still struggling to come to grips with what had happened.

Upon reaching the surface, Ritsuko had found Asuka wheeling her Unit around to raise her AT field. Thinking as herself was almost unbearable, but Shinji's memories didn't contain all of the data on the MP-EVAs that she needed. And while their minds had almost completely fused, there was still a division, and thinking entirely as him (which caused the least amount of pain) would not have given her access to what she needed.

But now… there was pain either of them could grasp. "Sem- Shinji," Maya's voice filled the plug, "are you ok?"

"N-no…" 'he' gasped, 'his' hand covering his left eye… or rather, the place his left eye used to be. –Hurts…- 'he' thought, -have to fight… for Asuka…-

In the pribnow box, Maya watched the monitors with horrified fascination as Unit 01 struggled to its feet… pulling the lance that had struck it free with a sickeningly wet sound. "Good God…" the brown-haired woman grimaced, struggling to keep her gorge from rising as her mentor sobbed in pain.

"M-miss Ibuki," the blonde gasped, "can you still eject the plug from Unit 02?"

"Yes… Shinji," Maya replied, shaking her head to force herself to remember to call the woman that, "it's got its own power…"

"Let me turn it over, then eject her," Ritsuko's voice came back, "I want her out of here."

"Right," the brown-haired tech answered, keying in the sequence as Unit 01 laboriously heaved the red mecha onto its stomach. She watched as the back hatch blew away, and the white entry plug rocketed up into the sky. –No more ground troops to worry about,- she thought, a touch sickly, -she should be ok.- To her mentor, she said, "Shinji, the EVAs are getting back up… just like you said they would… get ready…"

'Shinji' nodded, preparing 'him'self. "Watch over me, Mother…" 'he' whispered, hefting the lance that had taken 'his' eye in Unit 01's hands as the white EVAs began to bring themselves back online, "I'll make you proud."

Not waiting for the enemies to prepare themselves, the woman with the mind of a Child attacked, aiming for the cores of the Units… and praying that 'he' would be able to defeat them all and get back to the girl 'he' cared for.

**

In the EVA cages, Rei listened to the battle with her head tilted to one side, a slight frown on her face. "I had no idea you were so… ruthless, Ikari…" she said softly as the blonde woman's scream of rage echoed through the area, "I will definitely not upset you in the future." She turned as the door to her left opened.

"Come Rei," Gendou said, stepping slowly through the portal, "it is time."

The blue-haired girl considered him for a moment in silence. "I think…" she said softly, "not."

The Commander was not a man easily surprised… and he was skilled at concealing his emotions. Though it was a testament to how good he was that he only raised his eyebrows slightly as the girl he had raised, and taught, and _created_ for this moment, was defying him.

"It is time," he repeated, wondering if she had misheard him.

"I am not hard of hearing Commander," Rei informed him quietly, "but I will not be giving myself over to you for the Complimentatition program." She waited as the man calmly asked her why before shrugging slightly. "I suppose it would be dramatic to say, 'Because I am not your doll,'" she said quietly, "but I believe it would be more appropriate to say, 'Because I no longer desire death.'"

"This is foolish," Gendou said flatly, "you were created for this purpose… now it is time to fulfil your destiny. Come."

"I am sorry…" the blue-haired girl said, "but I cannot…"

The Commander reached into his pocket and extracted a small pistol. "I will harm you, Rei," he said softly, pointing the weapon at her right leg, "do not make me."

"I will not make you do anything you do not desire," Rei replied quietly, "a person cannot truly force another to do anything… they may merely influence the other." She shook her head slowly, "If you must harm me to achieve your goals… I cannot stop you… but I will not give myself over to you, knowing it will be the end of all that I am. The tanks are empty, Commander… I am the last. I do not wish to cease being me…"

"It is unfortunate to hear you say that," Gendou replied, his voice taking on a hard edge as he cocked the hammer on his pistol back, "and it truly pains me to do this to you."

The blue-haired girl nodded, averting her eyes so as not to see the disappointment in his eyes – for in spite of what was about to happen, he was her father… and she truly longed to make him happy.

Two shots rang out, one right after the other, and Rei gasped involuntarily. She looked down at her body, searching for the wound she knew must be there. Finding nothing, she looked back up, breathing, "Commander…" at what she saw.

The elder Ikari was on his knees, clutching his hand to his chest. Or rather, the bleeding, ragged mess of flesh that had _been_ his hand. Standing in the doorway, her pistol still smoking, was Misato Katsuragi. "You missed…" she observed quietly.

"Did he not… shoot first?" Rei asked, looking from her commander to the purple-haired woman.

Misato shook her head, walking towards Gendou with her gun still trained on him. "No," she admitted, "he was too fast… but he missed." She paused, eyeing the man curiously, "On purpose…"

"I… couldn't…" the Commander gasped, clenching his eyes shut, "I just… couldn't…"

Slowly, Rei walked over and knelt by the man's side, gently embracing him. "Thank you…" she whispered, a single tear running from her left eye to fall onto the shattered remains of the first angel, bound to his hand.

"Thank you…"

**

Shinji found that he could not look away from the horror his small monitor showed him – a direct feed from Unit 01. He watched the entire fight with the mass-produced EVAs, barely daring to believe as Ritsuko worked her way through them, whimpering in pain as the purple mecha tried to reject her.

"Can't lose…" the blonde woman moaned, struggling to keep her mindset entirely Shinji's, "hurts so bad… please… God, don't let me fail…"

The first white Unit charged her, squawking an odd battle cry as it neared her.

In a flash, Unit 01 spun to the side, obeying the commands of its pilot without question and drawing its progressive knife, burying it in the other machine's core as it tried to tackle the purple behemoth.

'Shinji' narrowed 'his' eyes as three of the remaining white mecha began circling, then 'his' eyes widened as the other four fell on Unit 02, savagely attacking the downed mecha and beginning to pull it to pieces, ignoring everything else in their frenzy to destroy the helpless machine.

"Horrible…" the real Shinji whispered, closing his eyes as Unit 01 reengaged the enemy, unable to watch the gruesome fate of the red mecha that had been the Second Child's. When he opened his eyes, Unit 02 had been completely torn to pieces, and two more of the white EVAs were on the ground, their cores shattered.

"I'm Shinji…" the blonde kept moaning, trying desperately to make it a fact… lessen the pain of riding the whirlwind named Evangelion Unit 01.

"The soul…" Shinji whispered to himself guiltily, "she's got my thoughts… but she'll never have my soul… Unit 01 won't ever fully accept her." He closed his eyes, "God, Ritsu… I'm so sorry…"

To describe her pain would be cruel. To describe her elation as the final EVA collapsed would lessen it. To outline the entire battle, blow by bloody blow, would be nauseating.

"Shin…ji…" 'he' managed to whisper, barely able to stay conscious as pain flooded 'his' senses, inside and out, "I'm… Shinji…"

From all around, a soft, dangerous feminine voice whispered. "No… you are not."

Ritsuko's eyes slipped closed, the struggle to maintain Shinji's thought patterns proving to be too much for her. "Kill me…" she sobbed, "just kill me… God knows I deserve it for what I did…"

"Yes, you do…" the voice replied coldly, "but I will not be the one to take your life." as consciousness left her, Ritsuko was vaguely aware of a sense of motion… her mind registering one final sentence from the disembodied voice.

"Get… _out!_"

***

When she came around again, she vaguely noticed she was lying in a hospital room. "What…?" She tried to speak, but her voice would not cooperate.

"Shhh…" Shinji's voice came to her from her right side, "don't try to talk… you got pretty banged up, Ritsu… thought you wouldn't make it for a while there…"

The blonde swallowed, trying to make her throat work. "What happened… to ev-everyone…?"

Shinji sighed, leaning back in his chair. "My… father's been arrested," he said slowly, "Unit 01 disappeared after ejecting her plug…" he met her good eye steadily, "And Misato left Tokyo-3 to find the members of SEELE… and she took Rei with her." He smiled, "I was kinda thinking maybe you'd like to leave here too… once you're better."

Ritsuko nodded, instantly regretting it. "Yeah…" she whispered, grimacing in pain, "there's nothing for me here now." She took a deep breath, "What about Maya? And what happened to the rest of the ground troops?"

"Maya's already gone," Shinji replied, "but she left you a message. She said, 'Tell her I'm glad she finally set things right… and that I'm proud of her. And tell her I know where I can find her, and I'll come looking for her in a few months, once I take care of some personal matters.'"

"Well," the doctor said with a rueful smile, "I doubt she'll know where I'm going to be. Once I get out of here, I plan on leaving for good… I'm not too popular around here anymore…" She frowned slightly, "Why are you smiling like that?" she asked.

"Asuka and I are going to New Osaka…" the brown-haired boy said gently, "we… talked about it… and we – _I_ – want you to come with… that's why Maya will know where to find you…"

The blonde's eye widened, and she looked around the room, spying the redhead leaning against the far wall. She arched an eyebrow, and Asuka nodded, averting her eyes. "Why the change of heart?" she asked quietly, "Thought you hated me…"

Asuka shrugged, sounding indifferent as she replied. "Well, you helped, I guess… and you won't be living _with _us – so you can get that thought right out of your head!" She blew a gust of air out, making her bangs dance, "And don't be thanking me, either… Shinji had to do a _lot_ of talking to even get me to agree to be in the same city with you…" her brow drew down, "and I'm sure it was _your_ thoughts that helped him do it…"

Ritsuko nodded, biting back the words of thanks that Shinji's thoughts prompted and turning back to the boy himself. "Nothing like that will ever happen again," she said firmly, looking into his dark blue eyes, "I swear, Shinji… never." She let out a deep sigh. "And thank you," she whispered, "I don't think I'd quite know what to do with myself without having you nearby, and I was afraid you wouldn't let me near you…"

"Well," Shinji said, tapping his temple and giving her a small smile, "the ironic thing is that, you'll always be with me – I'll always have you near me…"

Ritsuko returned his smile, her good eye slipping closed. "And you'll always be with me," she replied softly, "Shinji, I'm sor-"

"Don't say it again," the brown-haired boy cut her off gently, "you've said it more in the last week than I've said it in a month – and I say it a lot." He reached forward and caressed her cheek, "Sleep now, Ritsu… and maybe you'll dream…" he leaned forward and whispered into her ear.

The blonde smiled. "I hope so…" she murmured, her voice becoming faint as her body finally succumbed to the fatigue she'd been fighting since waking up.

"What did you tell her?" Asuka asked curiously as they stepped out of the room.

"I just reminded her of one of my memories…" Shinji said softly, taking the redhead's hand, "let's go."

In her bed, Ritsuko was already dreaming…

__

She is walking through a sunlit forest, a feeling of peace and tranquility filling her. Her right hand is laced loosely with another's, and every now and then, she raises it to her lips to kiss it gently.

'I really do love you…' she whispers, stopping to stare into her lover's storm-blue eyes.

'I know,' Shinji replies, 'I love you too…'

She smiles, knowing somehow that this is only a dream… but willing to accept at least that much. She knows that he thinks of her – or did, before her betrayal, because she can feel his memories drifting through her mind… like dust motes in a shaft of sunlight on a lazy, summer day.

She focuses on his face, studying features that are now as familiar as her own. 'I can never give back what I took from you,' she whispers, 'but as long as you'll let me, I'll keep trying to make it right…'

Shinji smiles, kissing her hand gently… but says nothing.

They continue their walk through the forest, content to let silence steal over them.

As the dream continued, Ritsuko smiled faintly in her sleep, memories of two lives mingling and flowing together until there were no boundaries left between them.

Two hearts filled with hurt and loss.

Two people whose ideals had been stripped from them.

Two minds forever joined; linked in the knowledge that each would always have the memories and feelings of the other.

Two souls that had been forced to part with their innocence, and had still, somehow… managed to get a little bit of it back…

The End

Author's notes: for the headset Shinji wears in the Magi, think of the movie Hackers, or Final Fantasy – same thing, but with a little microphone… I think those things are cool! :) As for Rei's 'quirky' behavior ((shrug)) I've always maintained that Rei is not emotionless, she just hides them well. Also, it seems to me that each Rei is different, with Rei III being the most emotional (yes, I said most… look at ep 23 where she almost crushes Gendou's glasses, or the scowl on her face in ep 24 when they're in Terminal Dogma). So since this is Rei IV, I thought I would give her a sense of humor… and the urge to insult Ritsuko at any given chance (can you blame her?). ^_^ About Maya knowing of the MP EVAs regeneration, and generally having more knowledge than in EoE. Well, I figure that Ritsuko knew more than she let on… and since she wasn't in _prison_ in this one, and _bitter_ about being jilted by Gendou (heheh), she would fill the woman in. Oh, the 'he' 'him' 'his' parts? Yeah, so they were kinda annoying… but I didn't know how else to get my point across… sorry -_-

Pre-read thanks on this chapter going out to Shamshie1. Much obliged!! ^_^

Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com


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